Edward's New Moon
by EllieOver
Summary: What is Edward thinking when he leaves Bella? How does he fail to track Victoria? What does he think when he finds out about Bella and Jake? .......................WANT TO KNOW WHAT EDWARD WAS THINKING IN NEW MOON? CLICK HERE!
1. Chapter 1: Party

**_A/N - What is Edward thinking when he leaves Bella? What does Edward do while he's gone? What does Edward think when he finds out about Bella's deep attachment for Jake? Find out!!! :)_**

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**Chapter 1: Party**

I looked over Bella's sleeping form to watch her clock. It was 11:59 pm on September 12.

She slept comfortably and soundly in my arms. No matter how wrong it was, I knew she belonged there. Her soft, delicate body always fit against mine when I held her. If I moved away from her to keep her from getting cold, she'd draw herself back to me, even in sleep. I would get another blanket and pull her closer. Holding Bella wasn't something I could get used to. Not because of her overpowering scent or the necessity of constant caution in her presence, but because I felt like the luckiest man in the world. I had found someone greater than the sweetest, most plentiful treasure. I needed nothing, so long as I had Bella. And she was much more than I deserved.

My eyes watched as the digital numerals suddenly flickered. It was 12:00 am on September 13 and Bella Swan was now 18 years old. One year older than me - as she always referred to it. I exhaled, realizing I'd been holding my breath. There was some relief in this day. First off, Bella had lived to turn 18. She was not dead, despite James' attempt to slaughter her five months previously. Second, she was human, despite James piercing her lovely skin with his teeth. I looked down at the bit of her arm that was exposed. A large double-crescent scar shimmered as my sensitive eyesight watched the dim light reflect off of it.

I sighed. It was easy to blame James for most of what I had but Bella through so far. At the end of the day, I still hated him, but I hated myself more.

Bella let out a small cry in her sleep. She whimpered again and I touched her face, hoping to coax her from whatever nightmare she might be having. I hated that I couldn't protect her from the nightmares, especially since they were probably my fault.

Bella didn't wake, but turned lightly. Her arm fell on mine. She seemed to have calmed down. "Edward," she murmured peacefully. "Love you... Edward." My heart warmed. "Need you... " The happiness grew. I listened carefully as she finished, "forever."

It was like someone had slapped me in the face. I put her disjointed words together: _I love you Edward. I need you, forever._ As I needed her.

I rolled over onto my back and looked up at the ceiling bleakly. _It doesn't matter, Edward_, I told myself. _She doesn't need you--She needs eternity, true eternity, of the soul. I still wished, though, that she would be mine forever. But that was much, much more than I deserved. A human lifetime would have to be enough. I had no problem with Bella growing older. She would only become more beautiful, more interesting. She would go through the normal phases of life... with me tagging along. I could hope for that, at least. I wondered when exactly she would grow out of her feelings for me._

If only she knew how I felt. I thought back to our conversation last night. The same argument: her birthday. It made me think of the first time we discussed her birthday.

I had taken Bella everywhere within a days driving distance over the summer. I wanted to see and experience everything with her. Everything I had already done in life seemed completely different when I was with her. Not only that, but I got to watch her reactions. They were fascinating. She objected almost constantly to me treating her to everything, but I was never bothered by it. Her disgruntled expression was hilarious and her selflessness only further proved her angelic character.

We had been out of school for a week when I got Bella to go to dinner with me in Seattle. We were dining (well, just Bella, really) at a restaurant that sat hundreds of feet above the ground at the top of an office building downtown. You could see the whole city when the sky was clear: and tonight it was.

Our table was relatively secluded, which I liked, because I hated that Bella had to work at our charade. It came easily to me, but I knew that Bella was more comfortable when there wasn't the threat of someone hearing.

The waiter had just taken away her dessert plate when Bella suddenly grinned about something. She shook her head.

"What are you grinning about," I asked, grinning myself, without knowing why. She was contagious.

"Nothing," she said.

I glared at her playfully. I was genuinely annoyed, but wouldn't pester her... too much. "Can I have a hint?"

She looked down at the burgundy table cloth thoughtfully. "I was just thinking about how ridiculous it is that you wasted so much money on buying me dinner, when you aren't even eating with me." She frowned.

The expression made me sad.

"Would you like me to order something," I asked, trying to seem serious.

She tried not to laugh, "That's not what I'm saying."

"Are you sure?" I asked, but at that moment caught the waiter's eye and signaled him.

Bella looked at me with a half amused - half warning look.

The waiter came up to the table. "What can I get you, sir."

I ordered something light - something that would be easy to throw up later.

Bella waited until the waiter was across the room to scold me, "You are so - " She couldn't think of the word.

"Annoying? Frustrating? Funny?" I asked raising my eyebrows.

"Oh your something funny alright." Her expression was comical. I started laughing.

"I'm just shocked you agreed to come with me. I've asked you every weekend since April."

Her face twitched and she bit her lip. _What on Earth is she thinking? _

"I'm curious why you agreed, now?" I asked, trying to get the answer out of her.

She frowned, as I stared into her eyes persuasively. It took only a few moments for her face to go blank and her heart to stutter.

"I think today is special," she said, blushing.

"And why is that?" I asked, suspicious, rather than amused now.

"It's June 20," Off of my confused look, she said, "Alice told me that today is your birthday.

I stared at her, thinking. I wasn't quite sure how I felt about Bella acknowledging my birthday. I wasn't offended, but more... confused. It wasn't her actions that confused me, but once again the complexity of our relationship.

"I haven't celebrated my birthday in a very long time," I said in a thoughtful voice. She watched me closely. "None of us do."

"I know, Alice told me. But I've switched up a lot of things for you, haven't I?" A small smile was on her lips.

That was when I understood the source of my confusion. There was a reason we didn't celebrate birthdays. What a birthday would mean for me contrasted painfully with what a birthday would mean for Bella. So incompatable...

"We don't celebrate because we don't change. Think about how you changed between your fifth and sixth birthday, not to mention how you changed between your sixth and your sixteenth. Birthdays are very important for humans," she frowned at something, but I continued, "but for us... it's just another reminder that we are permanently frozen, never moving forward."

Her face became sympathetic, but determined, "I don't care. I love you exactly the way you are, and I never want you to change." She leaned forward and quickly kissed me.

I grinned. "Fine, but you just wait until your birthday. I know exactly what I'm getting you." An Audi, already reserved. I hadn't purchased the car yet. It was a new model, and, though Rosalie and I would check it over most thoroughly, I wanted to make sure no safety problems or recalls occurred in the three months prior to her birthday. I was so elated over the thought of her birthday, that I didn't analyze her expression until my throat locked up as I inhaled the faintest trace of her blood. She was biting her lip so hard, she was bleeding.

"Bella?" I asked, worried. "What's wrong?" I hoped desperately that she would speak, stopping the blood. I knew I had the strength to resist, but what if I let my guard down for a moment?

"I'd rather we didn't celebrate... when I turn 18."

I frowned, I couldn't hear a false note in her voice.

"Why not?" I demanded.

She looked over my shoulder when she spoke, avoiding my eyes, "I shouldn't be turning 18."

_Not again._

"Bella, don't." I said, firmly.

She was about to say something, and then stopped. The crease between her eyes came back. "I told you that wouldn't be the end of it. I'm not giving up on this because you have some silly aversion - "

I leaned forward, "_Silly? _Bella, you're talking about giving up your humanity. That _will not _happen."

She leaned forward, too, "_Yes, _it _will."_

I was about to tell her again how utterly insane this whole thing was when the waiter came with my food. She glared at me. I was glad he had come. I needed to get a handle on myself. This certainly wasn't Bella's fault. I couldn't blame her for this, and I didn't want to hurt her or fight with her.

The waiter left. I looked into her angry eyes, sad I had ruined this. "Can we please just enjoy the rest of the evening?"

She looked like she was thinking it over.

"_Please_," I begged.

Her eyes narrowed, "Will we talk about it later?"

I sighed. "That seems inevitable," I said pointedly.

"Fine," she said. A smile lit up her face, and it was like a dark curtain had been lifted. There was instant relief from the strain. "Are you seriously going to eat that?" She asked looking down at my food.

I grinned and lifted my fork. I winked at her as I chewed. Her responding giggle was intoxicating.

But now, three months later. Nothing had been resolved. Bella's greatest wish was to be a souless monster, and she was going to sacrifice both of our joy over her birthday for that _cause_.

At 5:30 I left to get changed. I hoped Bella wouldn't talk in her sleep while I was away. The information she involuntarily gave was invaluable.

I didn't wake her to say goodbye, today. I didn't want to disturb her.

Bella had insisted on driving ever since her cast was removed. Sometimes I went along with that, sometimes I didn't. Since school had started, I always let her drive herself to school. It's very possible I was sucking up, keeping her happy so maybe she wouldn't take what Alice was planning too badly.

I wasn't sad when Alice told me she would be throwing Bella a party. I was complaining to her about Bella not letting me do anything for her when Alice told me her plans.

"She has you you wrapped around your finger, but as for me... " I didn't argue, not once. But now that it was the day of, I was a little nervous at her reaction.

When I got home, I found Alice bouncing around excitedly.

"Edward, Edward, Edward!" She exclaimed.

"What?" I asked, exasperated and amused.

"It's Bella's birthday! And we're having a party!"

"I'm aware," I said.

"You should be more excited!"

"I would, if I was aloud to be," I said, grumpily. I was definitely jealous of Alice's freedom to go all out without punishment.

Alice thought back to a vision she had had during the night: Bella crying, without joy, as she discovered she had just landed at her surprise birthday party.

I frowned at her. "Alice, I won't let her get out of it, but you need to give her some foreknowledge," I said.

"Oh come on, she doesn't take it that bad," Alice said.

"A surprise party, of course she'll take it badly. She hates surprises and parties; let's go a little easier on her, okay?" I asked.

"Fine, I'll tell her this morning when I give her our present," she said.

I rolled my eyes. Alice had to make everything a big event. In truth it was. It was the eighteenth anniversary of one of the greatest events in history.

Of course, she was being ridiculous about the whole affair. I'd love to shower her with gifts and a fancy dinner or simply say happy birthday. But she wouldn't have any of that. She wanted too badly to be a monster. Bella Swan, delicate, beautiful, and alive would never be the disgusting thing that I am...no matter how much I wanted it, too.

It was wrong for her to love me in the first place. I was like a great weight dragging her farther away from humanity and vivacity. She could let me go. I could never let go of her, but if she could simply understand everything she would give up...she could let me go.

In Alice's eagerness we ended up leaving early and beating Bella by ten minutes.

"Oh, she's going to love her gift!" Alice exclaimed.

I frowned. All of Alice's visions had been of Bella refusing to open her gift now. "You don't see that," I said.

"No, but I'll convince her," she said, weary because visions of herself were often absolute.

"Why would you want her to open it now anyway? She doesn't have any where to listen it," I said, thinking about the CD we had made. Just then I could hear the distant rumble of Bella's truck.

_She's almost here_, Alice thought.

The truck finally came into view and turned into the parking lot. She pulled in a few spaces down from the Volvo.

She'd met my eyes for a moment and positively glowed. Then she'd seen Alice, and, by the disgruntled look on her face, obviously the gift, too.

She hopped out of her truck and slammed the door angrily. It would have been funny if this didn't all have to do with me changing her.

"Happy Birthday, Bella!" Alice shouted.

"Shh!" She hissed. I supressed a sigh. She couldn't want that, because then we'd both want it and I would never let it happen.

"Do you want to open your present now or later?" Alice asked as they closed the distance between us.

"No presents," she said. A faint, angry blush colored her cheeks. She was so beautiful. It wasn't fair that I couldn't give her gifts. She was everything and I was nothing. Couldn't I give her something; even if it would only narrow the million-mile gap between us by a centimeter?

_This isn't over_, Alice thought, _I hope she realizes that_. "Okay...later, then. did you like the scrapbook your mom sent you? And the camera from Charlie?"

Bella sighed. "Yeah. They're great," she said. She was so difficult. She didn't even want to accept gifts from her own parents (I wondered how she would take the gifts from _my _parents).

"_I _think it's a nice idea. You're only a senior once. Might as well document the experience," Alice said.

"How many times have _you _been a senior?" I suppressed a grin. I didn't want to seem too happy. It might give her the idea that I was okay with the situation.

I longed to touch her. Human pace was so slow. I held out my hand and she took it. Her skin was warm and soft as usual. I slightly constricted my hand around hers, careful not to hurt her. Her heart jumped and I couldn't help but smile. This angelic creature was affected by me, a living corpse, sucking a way her life.

But I was distracted by her perfect features. Her long, dark, soft hair. Her bright eyes made me forget to breathe (not that it really mattered). Her lips were slightly parted and I felt my stomach flutter.

I reached my right hand up to her lips and with all of my concentration, gently traced them. "So, as discussed, I am not allowed to wish you a happy birthday, is that correct?" My voice was calm and non-accusing. If this was the only thing I could give her, I would give her this.

"Yes," her voice was soft, "That is correct."

I fought the urge to groan. This wasn't right. "Just checking." I ran my hand through my hair, trying to avoid getting upset, "You _might _have changed your mind. Most people seem to enjoy things like birthdays and gifts." I kept the bitterness out of my tone.

Alice, whose existence I'd momentarily forgotten, laughed and said, "Of course you'll enjoy it. Everyone is supposed to be nice to you today and give you your way, Bella. What's the worst that could happen?"

My eyes still on Bella's face, I could see her calculating a list of answers to that question, "Getting older."

My smile disappeared. That wasn't a problem, now. It never had to be. Bella would get older and eventually she would find we were no longer compatible. She could go on and live the life I stole from her a little more every day. And I would... when that happened... I didn't want to think about that.

"Eighteen isn't very old," Alice said. "Don't women usually wait until they're at least twenty-nine to get upset over birthdays?" _Though, she may have a point, _Edward. _I know you –_

I ignored her thoughts, they weren't helping.

"It's older than Edward," she said, defiantly. I sighed. This day was supposed to be about celebrating the love of my life and all she could dwell on was a currently irrelevant problem.

_Again, _someone _has a point_. "Technically," Alice said. "Just by one little year, though. What time will you be at the house?"

A look of dread crossed her porcelain face. She wasn't getting out of this one. She _would _have a fun time, she only needed to give it a chance.

"I didn't know I had plans to be there," Bella said.

"Oh, be fair, Bella!" she complained. "You aren't going to ruin all our fun like that, are you?" _Edward, so help me you had better back me up, or I'll tell her how much I agree with her about –_

"I thought my birthday was about what _I _want." She wasn't having that.

"I'll get her from Charlie's right after school," I said.

Her eyes widened, "I have work."

"You don't, actually," said Alice. "I already spoke to Mrs. Newton about it. She's trading your shifts. She said to tell you 'Happy Birthday.'"

Bella wouldn't give up just yet. "I-I still can't come over. I, well, I haven't watched _Romeo and Juliet _yet for English."

Alice snorted. "You have _Romeo and Juliet _memorized."

"But Mr. Berty said we need to see it performed to fully appreciate it- that's how Shakespeare intended it to be presented."

I rolled my eyes. She'd seen the movie multiple times.

Alice confirmed this vocally.

"But not the nineteen-sixties version. Mr. Berty said it was the best."

_How do you put up with this all of the time? _"This can be easy, or this can be hard, Bella, but one way or the other –"

"Relax, Alice. If Bella wants to watch a movie, then she can. It's her birthday." Alice's thoughts grew as vulgar as Rosalie's sometimes did.

"So there," Bella said smugly.

She would have both, "I'll bring her over around seven. That will give you more time to set up."

Alice laughed and said goodbye.

Bella looked up at me with wide eyes, "Edward, please – "

I put my finger over her lips. She almost broke me down just saying my name. She didn't realize what her pleading did to me. I wouldn't be able to refuse her.

"Let's discuss it later. We're going to be late for class," I said. She didn't look at all satisfied as we walked towards the school.

The parts of the school day when I was away from Bella went slowly as always. Finally, it ended and we walked towards the truck. Alice had told me to stay with Bella. She'd seen a vision of Bella trying to make a run for it. I went to open the passenger door for her. She folded her arms. "It's my birthday, don't I get to drive?"

"I'm pretending it's not your birthday, just as you wished," I said smoothly.

"If it's not my birthday , then I don't have to go to your house tonight..." Fine, we could play that game.

"All Right." I shut the passenger door and walked past her to open the driver's side. I smiled, and with all the genuine feeling and containing all day, I said, "Happy birthday."

She shushed me and got in.

As we pulled on to the main road I looked around for something to do and spotted her radio – soon to be replaced. I decided to take the opportunity to tease her.

Fiddling with the radio, I said, "Your radio has horrible reception."

She frowned defensively.

"You want an nice stereo? Drive your own car." I had to press my lips together to keep from bursting out laughing. She thought she was so fierce.

As cute as she looked it made me sad she wasn't happy. This day was so special and everyone but Bella seemed thrilled about the event. Maybe I'd have to persuade her.

The truck stopped outside of Charlie's. I reached over and concentrated on gently placing my fingertips to her face.

"You should be in a good mood, today of all days," I said, listening to her eratic heartbeat.

"And," she said, seeming to organize jumbled thoughts, "if I don't want to be in a good mood?" She asked. But the battle had already been won.

I stared into her entrapping eyes, "Too bad."

I leaned in and pressed my lips to her smoldering ones. I held onto the kiss and then felt her arms wrap around my neck. She was much too close. I wanted to stay like this forever, but I couldn't risk hurting her.

I smiled at her eagerness but let go of her face and unwrapped her arms from around my neck.

"Be good, please," I breathed against her tender cheek. Still holding her arms I leaned in and kissed her once more. I folded her arms across her stomach and enjoyed her fiercely thudding heart. I loved her and I loved the effect I could have on her. It made her so much more mine...and so much more wrong.

She put her delicate hand over her heart. "Do you think I'll ever get better at this?" She asked.

"I really hope not," I said smugly. It was one thing I actually cared about being good at.

When we got in the house, Bella went over to start the movie while I stretched out on the couch. She got it set up and sat on the couch in front of me. I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her against my chest. I pulled the blanket off of the back of the couch and used it to shield her from my cold body.

"You know, I've never had much patience for Romeo," I said as the movie started.

Bella looked slightly scandalized, it was cute. "What's wrong with Romeo?

Easy. "Well, first of all, he's in love with this Rosaline – don't you think it makes him seem a little fickle? And then, a few minutes after their wedding, he kills Juliet's cousin. that's not very brilliant. Mistake after mistake. Could he have destroyed his own happiness any more thoroughly?" It was true. How could someone do more to rip away the one they loved?

Bella was still frowning, "Do you want me to watch this alone?"

I smiled. "No, Ill mostly be watching you, anyway." I traced lines down her delicate arm and watched as goose bumps appeared. She was so incredible, so marvelous. "Will you cry?"

"Probably, if I'm paying attention."

I wanted to see her reactions and try to understand them – to understand _her_ more. "I won't distract you then."

I pressed my lips to her hair and saw her head lean back ever so slightly at the gesture. It made me want to be closer to her.

As the movie got going I started whispering Romeo's lines into her ear. She would shiver, it was so satisfying. When Juliet woke to find Romeo dead I looked at her and found she _was_ crying. I smirked and she stuck her tongue out at me, which was ridiculously tempting.

"I'll admit," I said, "I do sort of envy him here," I lifted a lock of her hair and wiped away her tears.

"She's very pretty."

Leave it to Bella to think I'd ever find a woman desirable after being blinded by her radiance. "I don't envy him for the _girl_ – just the ease of suicide," I said in a teasing tone. "You humans have it so easy! All you have to do is throw down one tiny vial of plant extracts..."

Her eyebrows raised angrily. "What?" She gasped.

Painful images of Bella broken in the dance studio last April reigned over my thoughts. "It's something I had to think about once, and I knew from Carlisle's experience that it wouldn't be simple. I'm not even sure how many ways Carlisle tried to kill himself in the beginning...after he realized what he'd become..." I realized I'd grown too serious and the look on Bella's face made me weary. In a lighter tone I said, "and he's clearly still in excellent health."

Bella struggled to twist around so she could see me better. "What are you talking about?" She demanded. "What do you mean, this was something you had to think about once?"

"Last spring, when you were...nearly killed..." The dark images flashed before me. I took a deep breath and tried once more to brighten my speech, "Of course I was trying focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is for a human."

Bella shook her head, "Contingency Plans?" She sounded strangled.

"Well, I wasn't going to live without you." I rolled my eyes. My world revolved not around the sun, but Bella Swan. She was my world. Without her, there would be nothing, nowhere to ground myself. "But I wasn't sure how to _do _it – I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help...so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi." It had seemed like the best option – the guaranteed option.

Bella looked furious. I refrained from rolling my eyes again. "What is a _Volturi_?"

Of course, she wouldn't know. As long as they didn't know about her – or what she knew, more specifically - it wouldn't hurt to tell her. "The Volturi are a family. A very old, very powerful family of our kind. They are the closest thing our world has to a royal family, I suppose. Carlisle lived with them briefly in his early years, in Italy, before he settled in America – do you remember the story?"

"Of course I remember."

I watched her curiously. She seemed to phase out. I broke through her thoughts a few moments later. "Anyway, you don't irritate the Volturi. Not unless you want to die – or whatever it is we do." It was a simple matter. I'd always have that if – when, because she would grow old, Bella Swan...it was too painful to process the idea.

I looked at her face, she looked tormented. I wished I could hear her thoughts.

"You must never, never, never think of anything like that again!" She exclaimed. "No matter what might ever happen to me, you are _not allowed _to hurt yourself!" Ridiculous.

"I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point." No event could transpire for me to put her in danger, nothing.

"_Put _me in danger! I thought we'd established that all the bad luck is my fault?" She was starting to get angrier. "How dare you even think like that?"

It was necessary. Again, as always, never endingly, she was being ridiculous.

"What would you do, if the situation were reversed?" I asked.

"That's not the same thing," she steamed.

How was it any different?

"What if something did happen to you," she said. "Would you want me to go _off _myself?"

Agony shot through me. The pain stretched up to my face, but I quickly mastered my expression. The idea of Bella taking her life because of me was – was unspeakable. I regretted my words instantly. What thoughts had I planted in her head.

"I guess I see your point...a little," I admitted. I felt the pain of losing her and remembered my original argument. With an ache in my voice, I asked, "But what would I ever do without you?"

"Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence," she said. _My existence_, that's all it really was, not a life.

I sighed. "You make that sound so easy." There had been few times, usually on hunting trips when I couldn't stop thinking about her, that I had tried to imagine actually trying to function without her. There would be no happiness, no love, only pain--pain so severe, It would have to be extinguished. Luckily Jasper would come over and smack me in the head when I had feelings like that. I certainly pitied him for having to share in some of those emotions with me.

"It should be. I'm really not that interesting," Bella said, bringing me back to the present. She was wrong. I'd never found anyone more interesting. I never knew what she would do, or what she was thinking.

I was about to argue this but realized, "Moot point."

Suddenly I heard the cruiser coming down the street. I sat up and consciously pulled Bella next to me so we weren't touching.

"Charlie?" She guessed.

I smiled in confirmation. She took my hand with all of her feeble strength. This declaration hit me hard. It was a small gesture, but that she could maintain her feelings for me in front of her father made me feel elated.

Charlie walked in with a pizza box. "Hey, kids," Charlie said. What I could gather of his faint thoughts, he didn't seem angry to see me here. Not necessarily approving, but accepting. "I thought you'd like a break from cooking and washing dishes for your birthday. Hungry?"

"Sure. Thanks Dad."

I claimed I wasn't hungry. Charlie didn't bother to ask anymore, though at first I'd gathered a sense of confusion from his mind. He had even been a little offended. But not anymore.

I decided this was my chance to rope Bella into this evening's plans.

"Do you mind if I borrow Bella for the evening?"

Bella looked hopefully at her father, as if he might say no.

"That's fine," her face fell comically, "the Mariners are playing the Sox tonight. So I won't be any kind of company...Here," He scooped up her camera and threw it to her.

I watched trying not to laugh as the camera glanced off of her fingers. I caught it a moment before it hit the floor.

"Nice catch," Charlie said, his mind deeply impressed.

Charlie told Bella to bring the camera with to take pictures for her mother.

"Good idea, Charlie," I said, handing Bella the camera.

She turned the camera on me and quickly snapped a picture. My speedy reflexes allowed me to wink at the camera.

"It works," she proclaimed, as if she'd actually surprised me.

"That's good," Charlie said, "Hey, say hi to Alice for me. She hasn't been over in a while." It was good that Charlie liked Alice. Anything that helped persuade his good will towards me or my family could help. Charlie had his suspicions.

"It's been three days, Dad. I'll tell her."

When Charlie said goodbye, I smiled triumphantly at Bella. I took her hand and pulled her from the kitchen.

I got Bella situated in the passenger side of the truck and went to the driver's seat. As we traveled to my house I tried desperately to get it to move faster...and to make a point. "You now what you would love? A nice little Audi coupe. Very quiet, lots of power..."

She frowned, "There's nothing wrong with my truck." Oh yes there was, and if it didn't break down on its own soon I would do the job _and _the replacing. "And speaking of expensive nonessentials, if you know what's good for you, you didn't spend any money on birthday presents."

"Not a dime," I replied, keeping the bitterness out of my voice.

"Good."

I had to get her out of this bad mood. For her sake and my family's. Alice had gotten everyone enthusiastic for it and I knew, if she tried, Bella could really enjoy herself. "Can you do me a favor?"

"That depends on what it is," she said stubbornly.

I sighed, I wanted this day to work out for her. "Bella , the last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935. Cut us a little slack, and don't be too difficult tonight. They're all very excited." _I am too_, I thought sadly.

Something in her face changed but I couldn't quite understand it. She would drive me mad one day. "Fine, I'll behave."

And I should probably tell her about... "I probably should warn you..."

Her eyes narrowed, "Please do."

"When I say they're all excited...I do mean _all _of them." I felt bad. Rosalie drove me crazy, I hated that she did that to Bella too, and on her birthday.

"Everyone," she choked. "I thought Emmett and Rosalie were in Africa."

I thought about the enthusiasm in Emmett's voice when he'd call to say they'd be there. "Maybe I'll get to see her trip!" He'd said, laughing.

"Emmett wanted to be here."

"But...Rosalie?"

"I know, Bella. Don't worry, she'll be on her best behavior."

Bella was quiet for a while, surely dreading the evening ahead of her, the opposite effect of what I would have liked. I wished there was some way to make it up to her.

"So, if you won't let me get you the Audi, isn't there anything that you'd like for your birthday?" I thought of the millions of possibilities. I had endless resources. There was nothing I couldn't give her. The idea excited me... and then made me sad, because she'd never want any of it. There was no gift I could give her that would be worthy enough.

"You know what I want," she whispered. My sadness transformed into frustration.

Her determination, as much as I loved it, would kill me one day. I hated arguing with her and this was a sore point for sure. "Not tonight, Bella. Please."

"Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want."

I growled. Alice had had those very thoughts. And her visions...I never wanted to see those come true. Bella was warm and delicate and utterly human. I wouldn't let her destroy her life. "This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella," I promised. No way.

Her face was furious, "That's not fair!"

My teeth snapped together. What wasn't fair was the fact that despite what lay deep down in my desires, I wouldn't cave. What wasn't fair was that I was getting resistance from not only Bella but my own family. The only person I had on my side was Rosalie, maybe Jasper.

I was still running through my irate thoughts when I heard Bella moan miserably beside me. I realized she'd observed Alice's decorations. A day like this shouldn't be so complicated. She'd completed another year of life, we were to celebrate that, not discuss yet another way to steal away the poor, and yes, sometimes frustrating, girl's life.

I took a few deep breaths trying to calm myself. I didn't want to be angry because she would think it was directed at her when really the destruction of her life was all my fault.

"This is a party. Try to be a good sport."

"Sure," she muttered. Stubborn.

I went around to her door and offered her my hand.

"I have a question." I waited warily. Was she really going to keep this conversation going?

"If I develop this film, will you show up in the picture?" She asked toying with her camera.

I started laughing. She was the silliest, most unpredictable creature I'd ever met. I kept laughing as pulled her up to the front door and opened it.

Everyone was waiting and shouted "Happy birthday, Bella!" Alice had done an amazing job on the decorations. Everything was beautiful and delicate. Almost good enough for Bella. I looked down at her. She had a beautiful blush on her cheeks. She looked like she was trying desperately to suppress a frown, though.

I wrapped my arm around her trying to comfort her and kissed the top of her head because I couldn't resist.

Everyone, well, except Rosalie, greeted Bella with hugs or, like in Jasper's case, more distant gestures.

_So, Edward, another few years and we can move this event to the retirement home! _Rosalie thought with mock cheer. _Maybe when she's an old woman she'll be more festive._ She kept going and I tried my best to ignore her. It wouldn't help Bella for me to be upset with Rosalie, too. Besides, I didn't want to admit that she had a point.

"You haven't changed at all," Emmett said with mock disappointment. He was actually thrilled she was just as awkward. "I expected a perceptible difference, but here you are, red-faced just like always."

"Thanks a lot, Emmett," Bella said sarcastically. But she looked pleased. I liked that she was becoming part of the family...and that was very bad.

"I have to step out for a second. Don't do anything funny while I'm gone," he said. _Stereo. Check. _He thought.

"I'll try," Bella said. She had the faintest glow now. She was stunning. It was funny how being around her made me forget to breathe, and then other times, when I kissed her, it made me feel like I needed to breathe more. It was all part of her intoxication.

"Time to open presents," Alice declared.

Bella looked like she was just keeping from cringing. "Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything – "

"But I didn't listen," she said, taking the camera from Bella's hands and replacing it with a silver wrapped box.

Bella opened the box and found that it was empty. She looked bewildered by the information on the outside of the box. It was adorable.

"Um...thanks."

Rosalie smiled. _What an idiot_, she thought. I shot her a look. Jasper laughed. "It's a stereo for your truck," he explained. "Emmett's installing it right now so that you can't return it."

_Look at her face, she would have too_, Alice thought.

"Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie," Bella said. "Thanks, Emmett," she called more loudly. Emmett laughed.

Bella laughed in response. It was such a beautiful sound, mesmerizing.

"Open mine and Edward's next," Alice said excitedly.

Bella turned to glare at me, a look which made me want her more...

"You promised," she declared.

Emmett bolted in. _It's all installed, it looks really funny in her crappy truck but there's only so much we can do. _"Just in time!"

"I didn't spend a dime," I said calmly. I needed to touch her. I brushed a strand of hair from her face. My hand tingled feeling her warmth. It looked like I'd broken down her defensiveness a little bit.

"Give it to me," she sighed.

Emmett chuckled as Bella took the package from Alice. Bella rolled her eyes at me.

Bella was opening her present, I heard her mutter, "shoot," and a moment later it hit me. Venom pumped into my mouth. My brain was hosting a battle between predator and savior. My throat was on fire and needed to be satisfied, satisfied by that delicious warm taste I'd experienced only once before...

By some miracle one thousandth of a second later, Jasper's thoughts powered through mine, they weren't coherent but determined. And one thousandth of a second after that, I caught Alice's vision of Bella Swan dead-

"No!" I roared. Ignoring the flames licking at my throat I threw myself at Bella and flung her out of the way, trying to be as gentle as the moment would allow.

I heard a crash but couldn't even check to see if Bella was alright, Jasper was charging. Jasper, no different than a rabid animal, snarled, trying to force his way through.

Emmett, who had stopped breathing at Jasper's reaction, was able to control himself and locked Jasper in his steel grip. His wild eyes were focused on Bella, who, in his mind, I could see was now bleeding down her arm. The warm red liquid dripped invitingly from her arm but, though I was suffering and the temptation was great, my will was twice as strong as anything that threatened to hurt her, including my own desires.

Still guarding Bella, I heard Carlisle direct Emmett and Rose to get Jasper outside. Emmett's thoughts were flustered, not his usual calm and cool outlook. _Shit_, he thought. "Come on, Jasper."

_Hmmm...actually at this rate, Edward, the next time we _celebrate _Bella_, Rosalie thought, _it will probably be in the Forks cemetery._

A warning growl slid from between my clenched teeth. Rosalie smirked.

I was careful not to breathe. I'd stopped the moment I'd smelt her blood which gave me some small comfort, that the protector had been somewhat conscious in that first moment.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," Esme cried as she left the room. _Don't worry, Edward, this is small. Things will work out in the end. _I didn't process her words just yet. My sole task was to guard Bella from danger... though I'd already failed for the hundredth time.

_**A/N - What did you think of Edward's birthday?**_

_**UP NEXT: Find out what Edward says to Jasper in chapter 2! Read on!**_


	2. Chapter 2: Right and Wrong

_*******_

**Chapter 2: Right and Wrong**

My mind was pummeled with sound. Some of it through my ears, and some from my family's thoughts.

A symphony of chaos. Jasper's fierce, low growls were the striking background for the panicked thoughts, the smug thoughts, Bella's heartbeat, Bella's shallow breaths.

Bella.

My mind was pummeled with the visuals. Roses bathed in shards of glass. An angel. Covered in delectable crimson blood.

The angel's perfect and beautiful brown eyes wide with shock. Blood leaked down her arm. I had done that. I had dragged sharp glass through her arm by throwing her. I had thrown her because I had placed her in the path of a predator. I had placed her in the path of a predator because I selfishly refused to leave her to the safety of a world in which I did not exsist.

The jagged rumbling in my head was interrupted by Carlisle's voice, "Let me by, Edward." The tone of his voice told me that he had probably communicated this to my tortured and occupied mind.

I hunted fiercely through Carlisle's thoughts looking for the predator I had seen in Jasper. Of course I would not find it. I searched his eyes for danger as if there was some intention hidden from his thoughts. Of course I could not find it.

_Edward, I have to stop the bleeding_, Carlisle thought.

I nodded as my head was assaulted by a very painful memory in which Carlisle had expressed the same sentiment. Precise memories of a beautiful girl writhing in blasphemous pain.

I straightened as I watched Carlisle kneel beside Bella, examining her arm. In an instant Bella's face shifted from fright to weak composure. It sickened me. Perfect and endlessly forgiving, Bella was preparing to shuffle this aside. That was going to make everything harder.

"Here, Carlisle," Alice said, handing Carlisle a towel. I was revolted at myself. Poor Bella had been ripped apart. I had caused it. Now, it was those of my family that I loved most trying to fix what I had done. I was frozen. I could see my path now. It would lead me into darkness. I could handle that, as long as I didn't drag the light with me – because she was sure to be extinguished.

Carlisle and Alice were discussing something. I didn't know what. "Let's take her to the kitchen table," Carlisle said to me.

I didn't want to touch her. But I did. I didn't know exactly how I planned to save Bella, but I would. I didn't want the topic to be touched with Bella's ears present. So, I scooped her up, ignoring the fact that doing so felt like pouring tar over an injured dove.

"How are you doing, Bella?" Carlisle asked.

"I'm fine," Bella said with a nearly undetectable tremor.

I wanted to break something. _Fine? Fine! _It felt like I was burning.

_Don't, Edward_, Alice thought as she had a vision of me ripping out half the forest. Then, there was a flash of something else. A decision had been made.

Alice's throat was burning. She was trying to see what was about to happen. She could feel the weight of it. The blood, resistible but mouthwatering was not enough for her to act as Jasper had, but it was enough to keep her from pushing forward into her visions.

I didn't like the power of her hunger. My protective stance over Bella told her that a slip up would not penetrate my defenses.

_I'm in control, Edward, but it _is _distracting! _She glared at me knowing that the decision had been mine and it wouldn't be pleasant, whatever it was.

"Just go, Edward," Bella sighed.

My throat felt like it was being skinned from the inside and out by dull blades and sharp metal scales.

"I can handle it," I said. The taste entered my mouth and the monster purred and growled. The discomfort was no match for my self-hatred. In fact, the burning was helping me. At least I was burning for my mistake.

Bella's voice, such a sweet voice, cut through my dark thoughts once more, "You don't need to be a hero," she said. "Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air."

The nonchalant way she said, "get some fresh air," as if everything was perfectly alright, irked me. But that feeling lasted only a moment.

As Carlisle gently lifted a piece of shredded up flesh to remove a tiny shard of glass, Bella's face twisted in pain. I felt like I was burning again.

"I'll stay," I said, a sort of raw agony in my voice.

Bella's eyes tightened in frustration, "Why are you so masochistic?" She mumbled.

I felt like I was going to explode, evidence of this flitted across Alice's mind as she gave Carlisle a meaningful look.

"Edward you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now," Carlisle said, taking Alice's cue.

"Yes," Bella eagerly agreed. "Go find Jasper."

They wouldn't have convinced me. I wanted to stay. I wanted to see and breathe the result of my selfishness. And, even more, I wanted to watch through Carlisle's mind to make sure he got all of the glass out of the wound. The thought of infection… I could do something here. However small, I had some small purpose.

"You might as well do something useful," Alice added in regards to Jasper. Of course Alice knew me all too well. It was disgusting. As were the flames licking my throat.

_Look, Edward_, Alice thought. She was pushing past the distraction of Bella's blood and showing me Jasper leaning into a tree, covering his face with his hands. He was being consoled by Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie. _Please, help him_, Alice begged. _He's going to hate himself. I don't want him to do anything stupid. You understand that, right? You won't make him feel worse?_

Alice had me convinced me through several points. One, while with none of the force of Bella's, or even Esme's, Alice's pleas touched me somewhere deep. Two, I wasn't being useful enough here – I was going insane. Three, I felt like I was suffocating from the pain of her blood. Fourthly, Alice had gotten past her own pain and was pushing farther and farther into her visions. I didn't want to be here when she discovered that a fork in the road was coming. A very possible change.

Suddenly, I was flying out the door. I could hear Alice's thoughts becoming less than pleased.

I gasped air. It was like a flood of ice water extinguishing the harshest scorch. I ran fallowing their trail. Not sure what I planned to do or say. I didn't know if I would yell at Jasper or tell him not to worry. I wouldn't be able to offer him much comfort. I really wasn't in the mood for that. The image of Bella's once flawless skin ripped apart was excruciating. I wanted the burn in my throat back.

When I got close to them I slowed to a walk. They hadn't detected me yet, the wind was blowing towards me. I looked into Emmett's mind. Jasper was as he had been in Alice's vision. Rosalie was sitting on a low branch. She was glaring at Jasper's back, not in anger at him, but at me, at the situation I had put everyone in.

"…knew this would happen. We all did. It could have been any of us if we hadn't fed yesterday. Don't put this on yourself, Jasper. Edward put this curse on our family the moment he decided not to kill it – "

"Rosalie!" Esme said almost angrily.

Approaching from the shadows, I murmured slowly, coldly, "You will _not _call Bella an _it _again, if you wish to keep your head attached to your body."

_Stop it, Edward_, Emmett warned. Though, underneath that he was not pleased with Rosalie's statement either.

_Oh no_, Esme thought. She was watching me, my face my body, analyzing the tone I had spoken with. _Oh no. My baby, _She thought tragically. _He's going to leave. His heart is already broken. _Remembering I was probably listening, _Edward, this can be fixed. There's a way. I know there is. Just don't leave._

"Please don't, Edward," Esme whispered, taking my hand. Her face was tragic. Rosalie and Emmett were confused. Jasper was still leaning into the tree, his back to us.

I looked over at him. Esme kissed my hand before letting go. My audience of three watched with skeptical thoughts as I walked over to Jasper.

Jasper's thoughts were erratic. He was beating himself up. He was angry at his weakness. Furious at his inability to control himself when he could manipulate everyone else. He was angry at himself for hurting Bella – he blamed her hurt arm on himself. He was angry at himself for hurting something that I loved.

This affected me. Jasper understood better than anyone else the love I had for Bella. He could feel it. He could feel it in complete and utter contrast to my former self. He was furious at himself for trying to kill something so beautiful.

But it wasn't beautiful, I reminded myself. It was sick and perverse. I had been put into Bella Swan's life to destroy her. I could not do that.

I laid my left hand on the back of Jasper's right shoulder. What compassion still existed in my mind would be given to him.

At that moment, I sensed Alice approaching. She was disturbed by her visions, not completely cemented, but quite clear, in her mind. She was furious. But she stopped at Esme's side when she saw I was about to speak to Jasper.

"Jasper," I said in the same dead tone I had used before. "Your reaction has nothing to do with weakness."

He quickly turned around, his eyes furious. My hand fell away.

"Not weak?!" He shouted. "Not weak! I almost mutilated the center of my brother's world! I almost murdered my wife's best friend! Not weak! Are you blind, Edward?"

"Jasper you're being irrational," my tone was cold. He was about to interrupt, but I looked him in the eye and he stopped. The dead look in my eye shocked him in place. "Your abilities burdened you with the thirst of six others' in addition to your own. With my emotions, especially, it's no wonder you lost control."

Jasper's eyes darted back and forth between mine. His shocked expression became more profound as he tried to sense my emotions.

"Edward?" He asked panicked. There was little to feel from me. Wisps of guilt and anger and fear, but something so large in it's emptiness made Jasper tremble.

He laid his hand on my heart and concentrated on giving me any positive emotion. Joy had no effect, so he tried others, anything: hope, awe, amusement, contentment, fascination, intrigue. They fell away like matches dropped into a dark pail of water.

I stepped backwards and Jasper's hand fell. The others looked wide-eyed at what was passing between me and Jasper.

Jasper looked past me at Alice who came forward at once.

"Don't, Edward! It's not going to help! You haven't decided yet, because you can't!" Alice shouted.

"There's no time to discuss this now. I have to get back to…" my voice trailed away in it's soft murmur. I couldn't say her name. It would hurt. It would open up what I was trying to suppress, as would Alice if I stayed here any longer. I ran back to the house and stopped a short distance away.

Carlisle's voice reached me, "Sick as he was, he was still beautiful. There was something pure and good about his face. The kind of face I would have wanted my son to have." How wrong he was. I could never be that. But I could be better than what I was now. Save something beautiful by leaving it to prosper.

Carlisle continued to recount how he took me from the hospital to his home. "I wasn't sure what had to be done. I settled for recreating the wounds I'd received myself, so many centuries earlier in London. I felt bad about that later. It was more painful and lingering than necessary."

That was enough. I didn't want Bella to hear anything about conversions. I was furious at Carlisle. I walked up to the house and in through the door.

"I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward." He should have been. He restored the suffering to the weak. I made the weak suffer. My throat flared again at the blood, less strong now.

"I suppose I should take you home now," Carlisle said.

"I'll do that," I said. I composed my face before walking slowly through the shadowy dining room. I didn't want Bella to understand now. I didn't understand everything that I was thinking or planning to do. Whatever I did, I would have to do with the utmost confidence. There could be no holes.

Seeing Bella's face was like breathing in the purest air. I had to descended into darkness and Bella didn't – shouldn't exist their. Her eyes were suspicious. An anxious line appeared between her eyes.

Her voice swirled in my head, "Carlisle can take me," she said, eyeing the blood on her blue shirt. I was repulsed at myself. The blue looked beautiful against her skin, but the sight had been twisted sickly by the sharp splotches of crimson. I shouldn't exist.

"I'm fine. You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something." I strode out the kitchen door hearing Alice approaching the house.

"He's very upset," I heard Bella say.

"Yes," Carlisle agreed. "Tonight is exactly the kind of thing that he fears the most. You being put in danger, because of what we are."

"It's not his fault," Bella said. I wanted to laugh, not from joy, but at how completely wrong she was, when Alice was suddenly in my face.

"Stop. Stop and think about what you're doing!"

"Can you find Bella something to wear," I said, ignoring her. "Something that looks like her shirt. I don't want to upset Charlie. "

"Wake up, Edward!" Alice yelled.

"If you don't have anything that color, anything will do. Charlie probably won't even noti – "

Alice slapped me across the face. Her eyes searched for some sort of response. She hadn't done it out of anger but fear. _We're losing him_, she thought.

She glared at me but walked past me into the house.

I walked in at the worst moment. Bella was apparently intent on torturing me.

"I'm fine," She lied to Esme. "Carlisle sews faster than any other doctor I've had." They both chuckled and I felt disgusted at their joke.

Alice took Bella upstairs to find a shirt.

Carlisle came to my side and Esme watched from near the piano. _Don't_, she pleaded.

"Edward," Carlisle said, "please wait until we can discuss this to make any decisions." _Come back when you're done and we'll figure something out, okay, son? There is a solution. _I looked at him then, a faint mocking grin on my face. He knew he had no solutions. I had _one_, because only one existed.

I waited by the door. Alice's thoughts were on Jasper as she and Bella descended the stairs. I had avoided the impulse to listen through Alice's mind as her and Bella were alone together. I wanted to know if she would say something to Bella, but I also didn't want to violate Bella's privacy as she changed clothes.

When Bella reached the bottom of the stairs, I held the door open for her. Her eyes were wide with fear as she came towards me. I avoided looking her in the eye.

"Tae your things!" Alice cried. She scooped up the two packages, one half-opened, and Bella's camera from under the piano, and pressed them into Bella's good arm. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them." Alice said, mustering her strength and putting forward the illusion of her normal self.

Esme and Carlisle both said a quiet goodnight. I knew my face was cold and emotionless, but that was the best I could muster. My worried parents stole quick glances at me, as did Bella.

Outside again, Bella's scent was much more diluted. I breathed deeply, but had no desire to do it again. It helped me see the situation more clearly. That was unbearable.

I kept pace with Bella. I probably wouldn't have been able to move if I didn't have something to match. I opened the passenger side for her, and she climbed in without complaint. I don't know what reaction I would have had if she had done otherwise.

As I made my way around the truck I saw Bella rip the bow off her stereo. This day: one more thing I had ruined for Bella Swan.

I pushed the horrible car as fast as I could down the winding road. I fell farther and farther. What was I doing? Why was I ruining her life? I wasn't strong enough? That's a crap answer.

"Say something," Bella pleaded as I turned onto the freeway.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked in a detached voice.

I saw her cringe in the corner of my eye. I had hurt her, and now I was hurting her again. I would keep on hurting her. She needed to escape this. I would give her a way to escape this. To be free of my violent grasp.

"Tell me you forgive me. "

I saw red. My eyes flashed to her face "Forgive _you_? For what?" But I knew. That made me angrier.

"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened," She said, truly guilty.

This was ridiculous. Look what I had done to her. I had some how warped her way of thinking so that she could prod along my selfishness.

"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut—that hardly deserves the death penalty." I cringed as I thought about how close to death…

"It's still my fault, " she said in a small voice. Her face, so innocent and pure, looked so hopeless. This was beyond wrong.

"Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own—without someone throwing you into them—even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up—and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."

Venom flooded my mouth as I took a deep unnecessary breath. Disgusting.

"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" Bella demanded. Jealousy flooded my thoughts at her voice around his name. But he was better, no matter how shallow he was, he was better.

"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," I growled. It was beyond painful to say.

Bella's face blushed with anger. "I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," she protested. "I'd rather die than be with anyone but you." She was wrong. It was my fault that she had fallen in love with me. I could have left her alone. She would have easily found someone else if I had just left her alone. She would still.

"Don't be melodramatic, please."

She huffed, "Well then, don't you be ridiculous."

Ridiculous. I was absolutely ridiculous for ever believing _I _was meant to keep her safe.

I finally pulled into Bella's driveway. I was too furious to go back to my impassive state, but I tried. I turned off the car and gripped the steering wheel, trying not to break it. I needed her to leave—I needed her to stay—which was exactly why I needed her to leave.

She stayed, slowly looking up at me. "Will you stay tonight?" she asked.

"I should go home," I said, not looking at her, not wanting to encourage her in any way.

She frowned, thinking. Determination flashed across her face before she looked back up at me.

"For my birthday," she pressed.

Something in my head snapped, our earlier debate somewhat magnified.

"You can't have it both ways—either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other," I said. Deep down I wanted to stay. I wanted to go up to Bella's room, my sanctuary and just hold her. But that was yesterday, and the summer, and this was today.

Bella breathed in, than out slowly.

"Okay," she said with shaky cheerfulness. "I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs." She hopped out and reached back for her packages.

I frowned. I was making her try to hard. She was trying for me. She shouldn't being doing anything for me. I was far from deserving it.

"You don't have to take those." I wasn't going to struggle with Bella anymore tonight. Regardless of the outcome of my decision, I wouldn't hurt her this way.

"I want them," she responded automatically, and then her face twitched. The old curiosity was breaking through my black thoughts. Ugh. _What was she thinking?_

"No you don't," I argued. "Carlisle and Esme spent money on you."

"I'll live," she said. She was struggling as she tried to get a hold on the presents.

I was to her side in less than a second to assist. "Let me carry them, at least," I said as I took them away. "I'll be in your room."

She smiled. Warm and genuine. I couldn't help and look at her then. I couldn't help but soak in the beauty of her soft flowing tresses, her warm brown eyes, and her smooth skin.

"Thanks," she said.

I finally got what I had been waiting all day to do, "Happy Birthday," I said. I sighed. I was in a slightly better mood, but this night that I would spend with Bella was only a distraction. Nothing had changed.

And yet, I couldn't help myself. I leaned down to touch my lips to hers. It was pure bliss. It left me needing more. That part of me that didn't yearn for her blood screamed for every other part of her.

I started pulling away, knowing how badly I wanted the wrong thing, again. Bella reached up on her toes to make the kiss last longer. So Bella. So enticing.

I ran up the wall to her room to get away from her intoxicating presence.

It worked well. Outside of Bella's glowing sphere, the world was bleak, and I knew what I had to do. She deserved to live—happily, with all human experiences intact.

From below, I could here Charlie and Bella.

"Bell?" Charlie called.

"Hey, Dad," She said as she entered into his line of sight.

"How was it?" Charlie asked from his position on the couch.

"Alice went overboard. Flowers, cake, candles, presents—the whole bit," Bella replied. I winced at the effort she was putting forth. Charlie almost believed her cheerfulness.

"What did they get you," Charlie asked.

"A stereo for my truck." The only present she'd had a chance to see.

"Wow," said Charlie. _Guess I shouldn't be surprised they'd go spiffy_, he thought.

"Yeah," Bella agreed. "Well, I'm calling it a night."

"I'll see you in the morning."

Charlie looked up as Bella waved to see the bandage trailing down her arm.

"What happened to your arm?" Charlie asked.

Bella flushed and an unhappy look crossed her face. "I tripped. It's nothing."

I sighed as Charlie did. Tripped…nothing. Nothing? Nothing?! This wasn't right. Bella shouldn't be living like this. Living as if a failed vampire attack was nothing. When would it not be a failed vampire attack? There would be another James in some form. Bella knew this. She knew that she was always in danger. What she didn't seem to realize is that she was giving up everything beautiful about being human. I would not allow her to change. Therefore, as long as she wanted me, she would live this contorted life. The lifestyle of an immortal with the weakness of a human. She would be living an idle vampire life rather than seizing the joys and opportunities she would only have the chance to live once. I was wrong. Everything I was doing to her was wrong.

Bella was in the bathroom now, preparing for bed. I sat in the center of her bed, trapped in my thoughts. The silver wrapping paper caught my eye. I picked up the present I had made for her and ran my finger gently over the edge of paper on the back. This, wrapping paper, had almost made me lose my Bella. If something so small could harm her in our presence, there were certainly millions of other things that would as well. It was only a matter of time.

Bella Swan would not die because of me. And if things didn't change, she would. It didn't matter if it was Esme or Emmett, or even Jasper again next time. It would be my fault because I refused to let go of her. I was determined to seal her in her coffin. Chills ran through my body. I tried to get the tragic image out of my head, but I knew it would continue to haunt me.

Bella skipped through the door happily. Or happily compared to my mood. I looked up and her face washed over my aching heart like the sweetest relief.

"Hi," I said. My voice sounded small.

Bella frowned in her determined way.

She came over to the bed, pushed the presents out of my hands, and then climbed into my lap. As always, her touch and scent overwhelmed me, each in their own ways.

"Hi," she said, with more forced cheer. She snuggled into my unyielding chest. It couldn't be comfortable. She should have someone warm and tender, not a stone.

"Can I open my presents now?" If I'd been in any other mood I would have laughed. She sounded like an eager child. She sounded so genuine now, like she wasn't playing a part for me. I wished I could understand. I wished I could hear her thoughts.

"Where did all the enthusiasm come from?" I wondered.

"You made me curious," she said, reaching for the present from Carlisle and Esme.

I took it quickly from her hands, "Allow me." I ripped the paper away and handed the white box back to Bella.

Her face looked slightly disgruntled, "Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" She muttered.

I made no response as she lifted the plane tickets from the box. She looked over them with narrowed eyes, trying to decipher all of the print. Her hair fell forward as she leaned over it. Her beautiful dark tresses caressed my wrist. I suppressed a shiver at the pleasure.

"We're going to Jacksonville?" She exclaimed.

"That's the idea," I said, unemotionally. Would I be going to Jacksonville with Bella?

That didn't seem like it fit into my plan to do the right thing.

"I can't believe it. Renee is going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day," she said. Her happiness radiated through the air. It would be impossible to deny her anything.

"I think I can handle it," I said, and then frowned. That sounded like I would be going with her. Would I be? The image of Bella and I walking down a warm beach under the moonlight… the vision was one of hope. Hope for myself, but not for Bella.

"If I had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain." Her face, intent on my words, lightened up as I finished

"Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!" That tore at my heart. She wanted me with her, always.

I chuckled at her enthusiasm and my perverse happiness. "Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize that you were capable of being reasonable."

As she reached for my present, a feeling of inadequacy fell over me. She wouldn't like it. It wouldn't be enough. I really should have spent money on it. Her reaction wouldn't have mattered. She deserved the best.

I took it from her and unwrapped it like the first one. I handed back a clear CD jewel case, with the blank silver CD inside. _I could have at least written on it_, I thought.

"What is it?" Bella asked, perplexed.

I took the CD and reached around Bella to put it in the CD player on the bedside table. I hit play, and we waited in silence. I panicked. Would this be a worthy gift? Would she like it?

The music began. Bella listened, her eyes wide, as I waited for her reaction. She didn't say anything. Suddenly her eyes were wet with tears. She reached up to wipe them away.

Guilt punched me in the stomach, "Does your arm hurt?" I asked anxiously.

Her face looked exasperated for a moment, but quickly transformed into awe. "No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it

My heart swelled. As she had so many times before, Bella both confirmed me and made me feel insignificant in the same moment. I couldn't tear my eyes away from her glowing face.

"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here," I joked. I joked? Coming here had been a bad idea. I was losing my resolve.

"You're right."

My misinterpretation of her tears brought back the reality of her arm.

"How does your arm feel?"

Before she even spoke, her face changed, and I knew she would lie and deny.

"Just fine."

"I'll get you some Tylenol."

"I don't need anything," she protested, but I slid her off my lap and headed for the door.

"Charlie," she hissed.

"He won't catch me," I said. I darted out of the door, grabbing the pills and filling her glass from the bathroom with water. I caught the door before it shut. I poured a couple pills out of the bottle and handed them to her. Fortunately she didn't argue.

Her lullaby continued, both lovely and tragic, in the background. There were two sides of it. Bella continued to listen peacefully. Her eyelids seemed to fall slightly.

"It's late," I noted. I scooped her up off the bed with one arm, and pulled the cover back with the other. I put her down with her head on the pillow and tucked the quilt around her. I lay down next to her—on top of the blanket so she wouldn't get chilled—and put my arm over her. The gesture felt so right. As if I could ever really be her protector.

She leaned her head against my shoulder and sighed happily. I loved the sound.

"Thanks again," she whispered. My eyes were mesmerized by her lovely lips.

"You're welcome."

The lullaby drifted to a close: that dark, low, final note.

That ending was no mistake. I had always known, in awareness and sub consciousness that the love between Bella and I could only end in devastation. But I still had some control. If I could do the right thing, she would share none of that burden.

"What are you thinking about?" Bella whispered, abruptly.

I couldn't tell her yet. It would have to be done right… if I was capable. If I was capable, I would do it in a way that hurt her the least.

"I was thinking about right and wrong, actually."

A shadow crossed her face. She saw through me. She saw more than anyone except Carlisle.

A thoughtful expression crossed her face. "Remember how I decided that I wanted you to _not _ignore my birthday?" She asked quickly, clearly distracting me.

"Yes," I agreed, wary of what she would want from me. Wary that I would have to make another promise to break later.

"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."

_I'd like that, too_, I thought. "You're greedy tonight."

"Yes, I am—but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," she added, piqued.

I laughed. How silly she was, there was nothing more pleasurable than kissing Bella. And then I thought about all of her, not just her lips, but every part of her. I sighed, it was very wrong to think about that. Especially as I became more resolved on my future—on Bella's future. But I couldn't help myself from kissing her now. I needed to feel her delicate lips against mine.

"Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do," I said desperately as I put my hand under her chin and pulled her face up to mine.

Sweet relief. Intoxicating distraction. Utter fulfillment. Even as her scent coated my throat like acid on an open wound, her eagerness arrested my senses. Bella's heart pounded faster. It consumed me. As it sped my lips became more urgent. As it sped, my plans became solid. Somewhere in the very back of my mind, I knew Alice would be looking into a crystal clear future that was not in Forks. Agony ripped through me as I thought about leaving her. Leaving Bella. Agony ripped through me as I realized I would never kiss her like this again. My hands rebelled against this thought, or perhaps took it seriously, as one tangled into Bella's hair, and the other held her face tighter to mine. Bella crushed her body against mine as she panted. It was so alluring, so necessary. Heat radiated through the quilt. I could never get used to this. It was glorious, but very, very painful. It would only get more painful if I didn't-

_STOP! _ I commanded my body. I pushed Bella away gently, but firmly.

She collapsed back onto the pillow, gasping. My head was spinning; I couldn't catch my breath regardless of its uselessness.

"Sorry," I said. Sorry, because Bella deserved more respect than that. Sorry, because it would only make tomorrow harder. "That was out of line."

"_I _don't mind," she panted seductively.

I frowned as my body yearned for what she offered. This was all too tempting. "Try to sleep, Bella."

"No, I want you to kiss me again."

"You're overestimating my self-control," I said.

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" She challenged. _Ugh, I _want_ her_, I thought at her consuming gaze.

"It's a tie," I grinned in spite of myself, but was serious in the next moment. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?"

"Fine," she agreed, snuggling closer to me. She looked exhausted. She pressed her arm against me, and I had no doubt she was in pain.

As Bella drifted off to sleep, I started to panic. The buoyancy she had lent me was fading.

There were things to arrange tonight, to put in order. I waited until I was absolutely sure Bella wouldn't wake up before pulling my arm away from hers. I hoped the pain wouldn't start up again, but knew the Tylenol would kick in soon.

Without shifting the mattress, I got up and stood in front of the bed. I stared at her. Her perfection gave me courage. Altering any part of her would be wrong. I could face my family's resistance, now. I could inform them of my decision so long as I knew our leaving would preserve the perfection curled up on the bed before me.

**_A/N - What did you think? Did you like Jasper's part? _**

**_UP NEXT: Ready to get your full Cullen family fix? How about a heated discussion about leaving Forks! Sure your ready for the break up scene? *cringes* Read on!_**


	3. Chapter 3: Leaving Her

**_***_**

**Chapter 3: Leaving Her**

Running home, I told myself over and over again: _I will not destroy Bella Swan. I will not destroy Bella Swan._

I was doing everything I could to hold off the pain – that unbearable pain. The more seized by it I was, the less firmly I would be able to stand.

As I neared the house, there was complete silence between my family members, but their thoughts were erratic. Only Alice's thoughts were consistent, only she knew what was going on. She had gathered them all around the dining room table as I was planning to do. She must have seen this.

I walked into the dining room and six pairs of eyes jumped to mine.

_What's going on, Edward?_

_Are you leaving?_

_Edward, we'll help you figure something out._

_Don't do this!_

_This wasn't your fault, it was mine. Don't do anything rash. I'll leave._

_This is your fault jackass, what now? I told you this would happen._

No one said anything aloud. I walked up to the chair at the end of the table. I did not sit. I stood behind it, resting my hand on the back of it.

"You have all made countless sacrifices for me," I began gravely. "Especially this year. I've made decisions that have endangered you out of my own selfishness."

I heard the start of four denials, but raised my hand for them to wait.

"I ask one more sacrifice of you. I-" My eyes fell to the table, "I _require_ one more sacrifice of you—that we would all leave Forks, and never return, so long as…" My voice trailed to a whisper, "Bella—and Charlie—take up their residence here."

There were three solid seconds—a near eternity—of shocked silence. And then—

"But will you stay with us, Edward?" Esme pleaded.

I looked into my mother's upturned face. So gentle. "No," I said.

She looked me in the eye, noting how dead it was, and then buried her face in her hands. Carlisle rubbed her shoulder.

"Edward, please, take a moment to discuss this. There might be a better option," Carlisle said. He stared at me, concerned.

"Come on, Edward," Emmett said. "This is stupid, sit down."

I didn't.

"Please, Edward," Carlisle said. "Sit down for a moment. At least make us understand."

I complied, because the pain was starting to rip through me. The reality of what was ahead was starting to set in.

"_You can't do it!_" Alice suddenly exclaimed shrilly.

Everyone froze.

My shoulders were hunched defensively with my hands resting on the table. I lifted my head and looked to the left, directly into her eyes. Through my gritted teeth I snarled, "Yes, I can."

"No, you can't! You can't. We've been here before. We were sitting at this very table. You couldn't bear the thought of leaving her and you didn't even know you loved her yet. You tried. You lasted a _month_. Are you going to put Bella through unbearable pain, just so you can come back in a _month _and say, 'oh, sorry Bella, that was just a whim. Sorry I broke your heart-'"

"_Stop it!_" I snarled.

"No," she replied boldly. "Look."

Suddenly Alice's mind started running through her latest visions. Me, looking down at Bella in the forest. Her face, panicked. Later, Bella thrashing in her sleep, screaming. Charlie trying to comfort her, his face hopeless. Me, curled up in an alley, talking to myself? Bella, again, staring, with dead eyes, at the wall.

I cringed and lay my head on the table. It was unbearable. She would hurt. _She will_, a voice in my head said. _She will hurt for a couple of weeks, maybe a couple of months, if you leave. But if you stay, how much more will she hurt? How much more will you steal from her. When will she wake up and realize that you've stolen her life away? When will she die because of your selfishness?_

I sat up with fresh determination. I would explain my reasoning. I wasn't being irrational. I was right. I would finally do the right thing, and little Alice Cullen, who knew me all to well, would not manipulate me into staying.

"Yes, she will hurt. However, I'd much rather her suffer a few weeks over the loss of what would have become a tragedy, than a lifetime over everything she would give up for me. I would rather her live a normal human life, than die, because I am to selfish to give her up," my voice became more and more alive as I talked on. The idea of doing right had given me a temporary high. Looking solely at how Bella would benefit gave me courage. There would be no more arguing.

"You're a fool," Alice said.

"Edward, don't you understand how much she loves you?" Esme asked.

"Yeah, come on man," Emmett said. "She can't walk two feet without hurting herself. Who's going to protect her?"

"When we are gone, she will no longer need protection," I said heatedly.

"So what are you going to do?" Emmett asked, serious for once. _I don't want to lose you bro, this family needs you._

"I haven't decided yet," I said.

"That's bull," Emmett said, "You don't have anything to do. Who are you with out her? Who are you without this family?" he said angrily.

Alice picked up where Emmett left off. "She has consumed you, Edward. You aren't the same person you were a year ago. We were enough then. This idle life bored you, but you could bear it because it was like you had never seen light before. But now… you will wander the streets dying. You don't have anything without her."

"Yes," I said, shakily, hating the truth. "But what does she have without me?"

"Ugh!" Alice exclaimed. "You are so _blind_! Don't you understand how much she loves you? How much she needs you. Don't think she'll react any differently than you will. She'll hurt for a _few _months?! She'll be scarred for the rest of her life. You have shown her perfect love, and now, stealing that away, she'll feel nothing. She'll be dead just like you'll be—just like you already are!"

"Better a scar for life than complete mutilation," I snapped.

"You underestimate her. What hurt you don't cause, she'll inflict on herself. Her self esteem will be forever lost because the one she loves most doesn't _want _her anymore!"

"She'll get over me, she's human," I said, trying to be calm.

"She sees you, the most beautiful part of you. What drives the rest of us insane about you only attracts her more. She adores you. Jasper's felt it. Tell him Jasper," Alice said, looking to her left where Jasper sat.

Jasper's face was unhappy, but calm. "I think we should respect Edward's wishes," he said.

Alice's thin eyebrows shot up, "_What?!_"

Jasper didn't respond. He would do whatever I wished now, guilt and anger still radiating through him.

"I agree with Jasper," said Rosalie, who didn't see how getting rid of Bella and getting a break from me was a problem.

Emmett glared at her.

Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"You call her stubborn," Alice said desperately. "She is the most constant and persistent person I've ever met. She's chosen you. You can't reverse that. _She _chose _you._ Bella's not the type to settle. And yet, she's gone from being completely independent to trusting you. She trusts you to love her always. We love through our actions, Edward."

"Then I will love her the fiercest way I know how," I said firmly. "I will leave her." My voice was definite and absolute. My eyes were hard and unyielding.

I looked to Alice who was glaring at the table.

I asked the question I meant for all of them, but directed it only at Alice. She was the only one that would go against me.

"Will you leave Forks? Will you leave Bella and Charlie alone? Give them peace?"

Alice's cold gaze rested on my face. "I will stay away from Bella as long as you do." _I give you three months_, she thought. My reply flashed across her mind. _If by some miracle it takes you longer to come to your senses, I will still respect your wishes. I promise, as long as you stay away, I will._

I knew what she was trying to do. I knew she was trying to egg on the protector in me just as Emmett had, but it wasn't going to work because the protector was operating at his fullest potential.

I broke eye contact with her, and looked at everyone. "Do I have your word? Do I have your word that you will all stay away from Forks and promise not to interfere with Bella or her family's life in any way?"

I looked at them one by one.

"Emmett?"

He looked like he was about to argue, but realized if Alice hadn't changed my mind, he certainly wouldn't be able to.

He shook his head, an angry grin on his face, "Sure, Edward. I promise to stand aside and let you run around with your tail between your legs for the rest of your life."

I made no comment and continued. "Rosalie?"

"I promise."

"Esme?"

She glared at me, "yes, I promise."

"Carlisle?"

"I will respect your wishes," he said gravely.

"Jasper?"

"Of course."

"Alice?"

"I've already agreed to your madness, Edward," she answered coldly.

I nodded and looked up to address everyone once again.

"I apologize, but I'd like our move to be quick. I'm going to—" I paused, trembling inwardly at what was before me, "I'm going to _speak_ with Bella tomorrow after school."

_How will he do it?_

_Maybe Alice is right, I just don't see how he'll be _able_ to let her go._

I ignored my family's doubtful thoughts.

"I'd like it if everyone could be out of town before sunrise," I said.

_Whoa, that's quick._

_Why?_

_What is he up to?_

"Edward, I understand this is important you, but why so abrupt?" Carlisle asked.

"I want this to be as quick as possible. I don't want to drag any of this out for Bella. If it's quick and she doesn't have time to think about it, it won't hurt as badly. She will move on faster."

"I have to speak with Dr. Gerandy and explain. He will be at the hospital by 7 am, and Esme and I can be on our way by 8 am. Would that be alright?"

"Please, just avoid her house and the school," I said mechanically, the pain was winning at the moment.

"And I won't leave until I've said goodbye," Alice said.

"Yes, you will. Goodbyes will only make it harder."

Alice was upset. _She's my best friend, Edward, like you are. She's my other sister._

I glared at her. Bella would never be a part of this family… and that broke my heart.

"Fine," she said. "But I'm not leaving Forks until you do. I promise I won't see her or say a word to her, but I said I would stay away as long as you do. So I'll start when you start."

I was about to argue, but I could see that she meant it when she said she wouldn't see her. This could be the best I would get. I nodded.

"Well," said Carlisle, rising, "I'm going to begin packing."

As each of my family members came out of shock, they rose and went about preparing for what was next.

Everything would be packed except the furniture. Esme was making a mental note to call a curator to pack up the paintings. She and Carlisle would take some with them and put some in storage. They were too valuable to leave in the house and risk vandalism.

We only packed our personal things. Another hired party would pack the house décor and other items that were merely props to keep up appearances.

I wasn't taking anything with me except monetary resources. I really had no idea what I would be doing after… I wondered if some of the pain bearing down on me would be alleviated. Maybe hope for her future would somehow act against the throbbing ache in my chest.

I knew that was wishful thinking.

"Emmett, please stop acting like this," I heard Rosalie saying from the floor below.

I heard Emmett sigh. When did Emmett sigh? Sighing was for people who thought too much. Sighing was for people who were stressed.

"Please, Emmett," Rosalie said, using a soft tone she used with no one else.

"Rose," Emmett said, "It's going to be all wrong. Are family won't be the same broken apart."

"Well, then why don't we go on a second honeymoon? We can go to Europe. We'll see all of the sights, stay in some days… " She trailed off suggestively.

Emmett chuckled, a sound that was bleak in comparison to his normal roaring laughter. "That does sound kind of nice."

"See," Rose said. "Maybe he'll come to his senses by the time we come home." _But I sincerely hope he doesn't_, she thought.

"Maybe we can start an orphanage there," Emmett said excitedly, "like the one we started in South Africa."

Rosalie smiled liking the idea. As cold and selfish as she could be, Rose had a heart for children. Their first big trip had been a tour of Asia. While traveling, they encountered all types of people – including sick, impoverished kids, some without parents.

Rose hadn't been able to look past their begging eyes. That was the first orphanage she and Emmett planted. After that, they made practice of it. Emmett was just as willing. He loved to play with the children, to make them happy.

Emmett was somewhat pacified, but there seemed to be something missing. It was odd to sense any depth in Emmett.

Meanwhile, Alice was violently rummaging through her closet.

Jasper tried to manipulate her emotions, to calm her and comfort her.

"Knock it of, Jasper," she snapped.

"Alice," he said, piqued at her harsh tone.

"Don't you start with me," she said. "_I think we should respect Edward's wishes?!_ What the hell was that?"

"Alice, did you even see what happened tonight? She's lucky to be alive. Whether it's the right thing or not, it's not for us to decide." She was about to cut him off, "and even if it is, I think I owe Edward something."

"You can't fix this by going along with that jackasses insane _wishes_!" Alice said. _Yeah, I know you can hear me, and I don't care_, Alice told me through her thoughts.

"You do what you want, but I'm leaving as soon as everything is arranged. I love you and I want to be with you wherever you are, but I'm not going to stick around because he doesn't want us to, and also, I'm dying in this emotional climate. He's like a black hole Alice, and it's only going to get worse."

Alice didn't say anything back. She was pitying me. _Great! _I thought sarcastically.

"Then I have to say," she said in a softer tone. "I'm sorry I got mad at you, Jasper." She wrapped her arms around him. He enclosed her in his. I cringed at the love they felt for each other. Not as powerful as the love between me and Bella, but still strong. I envied the simplicity of their relationship. It just worked. They could be together. The fates hadn't played a terrible trick on them. They were soul mates in the same world. Bella and I lived in alternate universes.

Jasper felt the change and tried to cheer me up. It didn't work. I wanted it to, but it didn't. He felt hopelessness deepen.

When Jasper finished comforting Alice, he came to say goodbye.

I was sitting on the couch in my room, packing CD's into a box at human pace.

Jasper sat beside me. "I'm sorry, Edward. I know I'm not as close to her as the rest," he paused, thinking of Rosalie, "as most of them, but she's good. So good. She has this joy, I can't explain it, but guys like us need it. We're pessimists. How can we not be? We're constantly affected by the people who surround us. People we don't always choose to put there." I stared at the CD in my hands. I listened, but didn't respond.

Jasper felt me suppressing all emotion as he spoke. Emptiness.

"Well," said Jasper, feeling awkwardness at his uncharacteristic outpouring, "bye Edward." He patted my shoulder and went out to say a final goodbye to Alice. He would go onto Denali, at Alice's suggestion. She didn't tell him, but I knew it was because she wanted someone to hold him accountable, to keep him from losing control.

Esme wouldn't speak to Carlisle. He had tried to talk to her but she brushed him off. He was alone in his study, now.

"Hey bro." I froze with surprise at Emmett's sudden appearance at the doorway. I was still staring at the cd.

He didn't come closer. He didn't brag about scaring me like he normally would have. He realized this a few moments later and cursed himself for not trying to lighten the mood.

"I don't know what to… I don't… How are you feeling, man?" He said, lamely.

I threw the CD at the wall in front of me. How was I feeling? Couldn't he just leave? Couldn't they all just leave?

Emmett didn't like my tantrum. "Be as pissed as you want, Edward. This is all you."

He walked out the door. He met Rosalie downstairs, hugged Esme, and they were gone.

Carlisle had been debating on whether or not he should come talk to me. He decided against it for the moment.

I went downstairs to use the computer. I logged on to our account and deleted each of our email addresses. When I finished that, I called our cell phone provider to have our numbers changed.

It was 4 am when I decided to go back to Bella's. I went to Carlisle in his study.

"You'll be gone when I get back," I said.

"Yes, we will," he said calmly. He was trying to let me lead the conversation.

"If you guys ever need me – if you're in trouble – call me," I said.

_Why are you leaving us? I don't mean to ask you that, but I can't control my thoughts entirely, Edward._

"There are some things I want to take care of. And, I think, being around you will remind me… "

_Of her? _he finished. _Yes, she's certainly become a part of this family. I'm sorry; I don't mean to tell you that, to hurt you._

"I know that," I said.

"Please check in, at least. Let us know you are ok, now and then. You'll always be my son," Carlisle said, his voice faltering under the strain. He gripped me in a hug. The kind of a hug a father might give to his son before he went off to war, not knowing if he'll ever see him again. Indeed, Carlisle's thoughts were aligned with my analysis. _I just have a bad feeling…_

He let go of me and looked at me one more time, "If you ever need anything at all, we'll be there in a second."

"Thank you, Carlisle," I said with the only feeling I had left.

I went downstairs. Saying goodbye to Esme would be difficult.

She was sitting on the piano bench. Alice was at her side, her arms wrapped around her. _Alice_, I thought comforted.

I knelt before Esme and took her hands. "Mom," I said gently.

She looked down at me, pain etched into her face. "I love you. I'll be fine," I lied, feeling just like Bella. "I'll be okay. I'll be happier when I know she's safe."

Esme held the side of my face with her hand. "I'll think about you every day until you come home," she whispered. Her face crumpled, "I love you." I kissed her on the cheek and then ran away from the house as fast as I possibly could.

It was odd climbing through Bella's room. My decision had been so firm, and the goodbyes with my family so intense, that it seemed like I had already parted from Bella. Her heartbeat pounded in my ears. It was so vital, and I had never been more like a corpse.

She tossed restlessly.

I gently lay on the bed. She was on her back at the moment. I turned onto my side and gently dipped my forehead so it was lying against her arm. I wanted to hold her again, like I had just the night before. I wanted to cry real tears. How would I let her go?

Bella turned onto her side, facing me. I lifted my head to stare into her face. Pain consumed my heart. Her beautiful pale pink skin, the thick lashes, and the soft hair wildly tangled around her face – how could I let it all go?

It was two hours of torment, and yet, it was better than the hours that had proceeded. At least I could inhale the flames of her scent and hear the pounding of her heart.

I was growing more and more anxious at what lie ahead of me. I knew I needed to be composed, starting now. My face felt like it was twisted in anxiety. I practiced smoothing it out, something that had once come as naturally as breathing.

When Bella woke, I had nailed my expression. I kissed her on the forehead, a jolt ran through my body, and then fled through the window. She had looked miserable, sick, but I didn't want to talk to her too long. I would talk to her as little as possible. If I started out the day detached, she would be more prepared to let go in the afternoon.

I picked up my car, noting that Alice wasn't there, and drove to school. I was an hour and a half early, but what else could I do? Where else could I go? I didn't want to run. That would only remind me of the days when I was trying to avoid falling in love with Bella Swan – I was such a blind idiot then.

When the parking lot was almost full, I got out of my car and stood beside it, waiting for Bella. It all seemed so mechanical.

She finally arrived. I opened her door for her.

"How do you feel?" I asked.

"Perfect," she lied, cringing at the sound of the slamming door. I felt bad I hadn't shut it more quietly.

We walked silently to class. We stayed silent through our first class. And the next. Every so often she would cringe or wince. Every time, I would see it again – a memory I had picked out of Esme's head: me throwing Bella into the table. Without being able to stop myself, I would ask her about her arm. The more I asked, the angrier she got.

I tried to ignore the way her hair tossed in the wind. I tried to ignore the sweetness of her voice, when I heard her speak. I tried to avoid her eyes most of all. They saw everything.

We made our way to the cafeteria. I said nothing, pulverizing a granola bar between my fingertips. Anxiety was devouring me. How could I leave her? How much was I hurting her now, with my inability to communicate? I couldn't function like I normally did. It was like something had been unplugged. That was good, though. I didn't want to lead her on.

"Where's Alice?" Bella asked me anxiously.

"She's with Jasper," I lied.

"Is he okay?" She asked, worried.

"He's gone away for a while," I said, not really answering her question.

"What? Where?"

I shrugged, "Nowhere in particular."

"And Alice, too," she said with quiet desperation.

"Yes. She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali," I said. I don't know why I told her that. I hadn't wanted her to have any trace of us. Even if Jasper hadn't been going there, I shouldn't have reminded her of where she could find a group of our friends. Nevertheless, she would have no way of tracking them down without a last name or any particulars.

Bella stared in front of her for a few minutes before pain flashed across her face. She swallowed, loudly.

"Is your arm bothering you?" I asked. My voice naturally softened at the sight of her in so much pain.

"Who cares about my stupid arm?" She muttered in disgust. I did.

She put her head down on the table. I wished there had been a way to do this before school, but that would have been impossible. I didn't want her to miss school in her distress. This had to be done right.

At the end of the day, I walked her to her truck. It was getting close. I couldn't do it. _Yes, you can_, I thought.

"You'll come over later tonight?" She asked as we neared the truck.

"Later?" Why later? The plan wouldn't work later.

Something crossed her face. Was she… hopeful? "I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off."

"Oh," I murmured. How had I not remembered that? What was I going to do now? Would I have to endure this torture for another twenty-four hours?

"So you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?" She sounded unsure.

I couldn't back out of it now. She knew I had no plans. And… a small part of me was pleased at this development; pleased that he could drag me along the coals longer. Even though it hurt to resist any emotional connection with Bella, even though it hurt to watch her trying to understand my distance, somewhere deep, I knew that this was nothing to what was coming.

"If you want me to," I said.

"I always want you," she said intensely. I almost cringed. If only what she said was true, if only what she said was right.

"All right, then," I said indifferently, fighting every instinct.

I kissed her forehead again before I shut the door on her, remembering to do it quietly so the noise wouldn't hurt her head. I turned my back to her and got to my car as fast as our façade would allow. I had to get out of here. I had to do something. I was going crazy.

I pulled my car into the garage, screeching to a stop. I planned to run somewhere, despite my new aversion to it, but found Alice staring at me. She made her way over to me as I climbed out of the Volvo.

"I saw," she said, simply.

I nodded. Twenty-four more hours.

"Why can't you tell her tonight, I don't understand," she said. I focused on her thoughts, not understanding her concern. She was trying to conceal them but I caught the gist: _…prolonging…delaying_.

"I haven't changed my mind, Alice," I snapped.

Her forehead crinkled, "ok." She was looking at me strangely.

"I'm going to do it," I reiterated. She believed me. She saw that, not with her abilities, but with her eyes. She knew my expressions and right now she saw just how unstable I really was.

That's what finally got me. Seeing myself. I'd been deluding myself about the pain. It was unbearable. I sank to my knees.

"Edward…" Alice whispered sadly. She sat down beside me. She pulled me down into her arms, hugging me tightly. My body was overcome with tearless sobs.

I was firm in my decision and that's what killed me. Everything I ever wanted disappeared when everything I never could have dreamed of appeared in the form of Bella Swan. Soon, I would have nothing. No direction, no joy, not even contentment.

She brushed at my hair back and patted my back. This went on for a few minutes before I was able to gain some control. I sat up out of her arms and leaned against the Volvo with my arms wresting on my knees. I stared in front of me. Alice put her arm around me.

We sat there for an hour before Alice repeated her question.

"After I tell her, I don't want her to watch me leave. I think that would be… it would be… inhumane. It won't be hard, her eyes are weak, but I have to do it so she won't know which direction I've gone, so she can't follow me. I plan to take her into the forest, just far enough so she can't see the street and the car. I want her to still be able to see the house, so she can orient herself," I shuddered at the thought of her getting lost. "It can't be dark."

Alice sighed. "So, forty-eight more hours, then?" She asked glumly.

"Forty-eight?" It was twenty-for.

"She works tomorrow," Alice said. _So forgetful, so many errors_, she thought.

I nodded. Forty-eight more hours.

For the five hours Bella was at work, I absolutely ached to see her. That part of me hadn't changed. Confusion took over. I needed to see her, and yet being here with her, but not truly with her, was pure agony.

I got to Charlie's early. I couldn't bear the thought of her running to the door and excitedly greeting me as she always did. Beating her their would save both of us some pain.

Charlie let me in. He was surprised to see me arrive early, but invited me to sit and watch ESPN with him nonetheless.

I heard Bella's truck pull in.

"Dad?" She called. "Edward?"

The SportCenter theme music blared out of the TV as Charlie called, "In here."

Bella rushed around the corner, but I firmly held my eyes on the TV. Resisting the sight of her made the scorch in my throat dryer.

"Hi," she said weakly.

"Hey Bella," Charlie answered, eyes never moving. "We just had cold pizza. I think it's still on the table."

"Okay."

Bella waited in the doorway. She seemed to be shifting her eyes between the carpet and me. I looked over at her with what I hoped wasn't a grimace. It felt like a smile, but I couldn't be sure.

"I'll be right behind you," I said, but moved my eyes back to the TV. My eyes locked in on the largest scratch on the glass screen, probably invisible to Charlie.

Bella stayed in the doorway another minute. Her breathing sounded unsteady, anxious. Finally she went into the kitchen.

I heard a chair scrape along the floor as Bella pulled it out to sit down. Her nervous breathing continued. I heard Bella flip a page, probably in her scrapbook, and fiddle with something else.

Bella suddenly ran upstairs. My sharp ears heard the click of her camera.

Charlie was paying close attention to the TV, but when one commentator attempted to exaggerate a conflict between teammates, his mind wandered a little bit. _It's weird, usually he can't take his eyes off of her, it's annoying. But what's happening now, it's like he doesn't want to be here. He's probably just tired. That girl has a lot of energy tonight._

As he thought this, Bella who had been slowly descending the stairs, came around the corner and snapped a picture.

I had seen her coming, but didn't acknowledge her. Charlie looked up at Bella, frowning. I looked up also, trying to follow Charlie's lead. I couldn't feel anything on my face.

"What are you doing, Bella?" Charlie complained.

"Oh, come on." Bella made an odd expression; I think she was trying to smile. She sat on the floor in front of the sofa where Charlie lounged. "You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt."

"Why are you taking pictures of me, though?" he grumbled.

"Because you're so handsome," she replied. "And because, since you bought the camera, you're obligated to be one of my subjects."

Charlie mumbled something about telling Renee a camera was a bad idea.

"Hey, Edward," Bella said, her voice was off, I didn't understand why. "Take one of me and my dad together."

She threw the camera toward me, avoiding my eyes. Bella knelt beside the couch as Charlie sighed.

I raised the camera to take the picture. Bella was frowning.

"You need to smile, Bella," I murmured. I wanted Bella to have a nice picture of her and her father. When she looked at it later, I wouldn't want her to think of any of this.

The smile wasn't her smile, but it would have to do. The camera flashed.

"Let me take one of you kids," Charlie said.

Bella walked towards across the small room to stand beside me. I put one hand lightly on her shoulder. Bella wrapped her arm around me defiantly.

I forced a small smile as Charlie commented, "Smile, Bella."

Flash.

"Enough pictures for tonight," Charlie said then, shoving the camera in a crevice of the sofa cushions and rolling over it. "You don't have to use the whole roll now."

I dropped my hand from her shoulder and twisted casually out of her arm, trying not to hurt her arms or her feelings. I sat back down on the armchair.

Bella hesitated, and then went to sit against the sofa again. My stomach turned as I noticed her hands were shaking. Her face was a poorly composed mask, hardly covering her fear. I didn't want her to be afraid. I needed to leave. I was making her anxious. The stress wasn't good for her.

Bella hid her hands by her stomach and put her chin on her knees. Her unfocused eyes looked on at the TV screen.

It was difficult to remain still and pretend to be aloof. My entire soul was invested in Bella Swan's happiness. Remaining removed for the last twenty minutes of Charlie's show was a battle against my nature.

The minute it ended, I knew I had to get away. I couldn't stand to watch her wide eyes frantically wondering any longer.

"I'd better get home," I said.

Charlie didn't look up from the commercial. "See ya."

Bella got up awkwardly and followed me out the door. I forced myself to stay focused on my task: getting to my car and driving away.

"Will you stay?" She asked pathetically from over my shoulder.

"Not tonight," I answered without looking at her.

I got in my car and drove away, while Bella stood there, unmoving. I remembered a feeling from many months ago. The feeling of her watching me. I felt it now, but it was so different.

What was she thinking? Leaving, without so much as turning my body towards her. No goodnight, no goodbye. So vile, so rude. I felt like less than a gentleman and that was less than Bella deserved.

When I rounded the corner she still hadn't moved and I hoped she would. The rain would make her sick.

It was a long night.

I sat on my couch again, staring at the wall in front of me. I pictured Bella in my room. The first time, the second time, all through the summer. Such a sweet summer.

Alice flitted in and out. She seemed to be monitoring Jasper through her visions. Otherwise I didn't really pay attention to what she was doing.

What a lonely night.

When the sun rose, I unfroze and prepared to go to school.

Bella had a new energy today. She seemed more hopeful, which made me distance myself more.

We didn't talk as we went through the morning routine, once again. I couldn't bring myself to look at her. I didn't want to be reminded of her beauty, or how substantial she was. I didn't want to see her eyes, calculating. I didn't want to think of her thousands of thoughts, none of which I knew.

Bella had a look of slight frustration as she stared absently at far edge of her desk.

I couldn't help but constantly analyze her. Though I couldn't ignore Mr. Berty's twangy voice either.

"Now, in Act 1 Scene 3, Juliet is introduced to – Tyler why don't you have your book open?"

"I – um – I don't know what page –"

"Page 37!" Mr. Berty, snapped. The class jumped, but Bella noticed nothing. "Back to what I was saying, in scene 3, Juliet is introduced to the idea of her marriage being imminent. Lady Capulet informs her that Paris wishes to marry her.

"Marriage is quite significant in the play because it contradicts the picture Shakespeare paints of love. That isn't to say Shakespeare believes marriage is always without love. Rather, Shakespeare identifies love as a concept that exists independently of legal union.

"As we progress through the play, we'll see more and more that Shakespeare is illustrating the wild passion and chaos surrounding love. He places love in juxtaposition to hate and death. The contrast allows us to understand love's place in the play, especially it's role as a cause of violence."

'…_the wild passion and chaos surrounding love,' _I thought.

"Lady Capulet, of course, has never experienced love in so raw a form. Therefore, she discusses marriage quite clinically. Juliet is only thirteen, and what does Lady Capulet tell Juliet she was at that same age – uh, let's see – Bella? In line 74?"

Bella didn't respond, she was still staring at her desk.

"Bella," Mr. Berty said raising his eyebrows. She jumped and looked up. _These damn kids might as well not even be here_, he thought, angered at the classes lack of enthusiasm for his lecture. "What does Lady Capulet say she was at Juliet's age?"

Bella's forehead crinkled. A few kids chuckled. I hated seeing her flounder.

"A mother," I whispered under my breath.

"A mother," she answered. Mr. Berty frowned, but continued.

I looked away from Bella, focusing on the front of the classroom.

Bella fidgeted restlessly at lunch. Finally, she looked over at Jessica.

"Hey, Jess?

"What's up, Bella?

"Could you do me a favor?" She asked, reaching into her bag. "My mom wants me to get some pictures of my friends for a scrapbook. So, take some pictures of everybody, okay?"

She handed her the camera.

"Sure," she said, grinning, and turned to snap a candid shot of Mike with his mouth full.

They handed the camera around the table, giggling and flirting and complaining about being on film. Their immaturity was especially annoying today.

I counted the clicks of the camera. …27, 28, 29, 30, 31, empty…

"Uh-oh," Jessica said apologetically as she returned the camera. "I think we used all your film." _Who uses a film camera anymore? _She thought, in truth, annoyed that she couldn't take any more pictures.

"That's okay," Bella said, kindly. "I think I already got pictures of everything else I needed."

After school, I walked Bella to the parking lot in silence. Bella had to work again. Luckily she didn't make any mention of me coming over. The fewer obligations, the better. I would be free to mope through the next seventeen hours in solitude.

When I got home I walked slowly back to my room. As I passed Alice's room, I saw it had been completely emptied. I wondered if Alice had left early. Surprisingly, I felt a slight pang at this knowledge; a small pebble hitting a hollow heart.

I couldn't make it to my room. I sank to the floor outside her door. The hall darkened as the sun set. Memories of Bella walking beside me through the hallway assaulted me. My favorite had occurred just as we were walking by Carlisle's open door. A rare streak of sunlight had fallen across his carpet and into the hall, hitting Bella. Her hair had looked so red, her face so radiant. The image evaporated into the darkness surrounding me.

The day had finally come. The last day, before endless night. I said nothing to Bella, she said nothing to me.

As I walked Bella to her truck, I sensed Bella's posture change. She wanted to say something. I had a feeling that I had to stop her from saying whatever it was.

"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked before we got to the truck.

"Of course not." Her eyes flashed to mine, confused. It was the first time I'd seen her eyes in twenty-four hours. It was like I had drowning since the last time.

"Now?" I asked again, opening the door for her. I could feel myself thawing slightly as I contemplated an end to this limbo.

Her eyes grew more speculative. "Sure. I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."

I looked at the large envelope on the passenger seat. _Pictures. Of course, how could I have forgotten all of the pictures? _I reached over her and snagged it.

"I'll do it," I said quietly. Her eyes were confused, almost offended. The acting would have to start now. "And I'll still beat you there." I smiled. Her heart didn't budge as it usually did. Nor did her lips turn into a smile. I wondered how off my face was. I had to do better than this. If she didn't believe me later… panic was starting to set in. _Later? _Twenty-four minutes. Where had my Twenty-four hours gone? Forty-eight hours?

"Okay," Bella agreed, indignation not touching her face as it normally would have.

I shut the door and headed towards my car.

Parked outside the post office, I carefully opened the envelope, pulling out the pictures I was in. I tried not to look at them. The pictures of me standing next to Bella, made my stomach turn. I looked like the grim reaper looming over the most innocent and lively prey.

I made it back to her house quickly, knowing I would have to sift through all of her things to eliminate traces. I wouldn't remove the stereo from her truck. Even if I found a way to do it so she wouldn't catch me, it wouldn't be helpful.

First, though, I had to make sure Bella would be okay. In case Bella did something foolish, some form of insurance was necessary. I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote in Bella's precise handwriting: _Going for a walk with Edward, up the path. Back soon, B._

The plane tickets were sitting on her dresser, and the CD was in the player. I set the two things on her bed and fished for more traces. I found nothing. I hadn't been able to give anything to Bella, and for once I was grateful of that fact.

I looked for the pictures and found that she had already put them in her scrapbook. The first picture was of me in Charlie's kitchen. I was happy in the picture. I couldn't imagine that time. I set it next to me on the floor, where I was sitting.

Underneath it, Bella had scrawled, _Edward Cullen, Charlie's kitchen, Sept. 13th_. Seeing my name in Bella's handwriting did something to me. I thought about scratching it out, but that would be as helpful as removing the stereo. It would have to stay. I hoped it wouldn't hinder. Perhaps it would be beneficial. It would be like a history book. A name and a date from a time long ago. History.

I frowned as I turned the page to find a vertically folded picture of myself. I ripped it out and unfolded it to find Bella on the other side. It was the picture I had looked at in the car. Why had she folded it? It was good I was leaving. She couldn't be thinking like this. Choosing the grim reaper over herself.

I set it aside, also. After going through the pictures, I didn't know what do with it all. I had stuffed it in my jacket and was about to leap from the window when I looked back at the room – my sanctuary, now devoid of any part of me. I shuddered. Her future was about to alter dramatically. Couldn't I leave something? Something she would never find. Suddenly, I was kneeling beside a loose floorboard, stuffing everything in. I was about to place the last picture, the only picture of Bella and I in existence in with the rest. But I couldn't. It was too rare, too precious. I could hold on to some part of her, couldn't I? This wouldn't hurt her.

I could here the truck around the corner. I put the picture in my shirt pocket, next to my heart, and flew out the window.

I climbed back into my car, to calm myself. It was time to transform. It was time to be the monster. I had to remember that. _Bella's soul must live._

_No matter what she says or does, no matter how bad it seems, you _must _remember the eventual outcome, _I reminded myself. I took a deep breath as she parked.

I got out of my car at the same time she did. I grabbed her book bag from her and shoved it back onto the seat of the truck. Bella's eyes widened.

"Come for a walk with me," I said, the panic eating out all emotion. She didn't look capable of walking, so I grabbed her hand, pulling her toward the east side of the yard, where the forest encroached. Bella's steps were hesitant.

As I stepped through the first trees, an unexpected voice battered me. It was mine, but so different. _What are you _doing? It demanded. _What are you doing, Edward? You can't survive without her!_

This was odd. What was this?

… Survival instinct.

_Stay focused_, my other voice demanded, _you are being tempted, but you must resist: 'Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him…'_ I wasn't sure why this verse came to me. Obviously it was fitting, but why my mind was reverting to theology at _that _moment, I wasn't sure.

Bella's perfect hand was growing clammy in mine. If felt sick dragging her to the death of _us. _There would be no more _us. _We would exist independently of one another. I would die and she would live.

_But she won't! _Yes, _she will! You're lying to yourself. No, I'm not. You think you're doing the right thing but you're not. Of course I am doing the right thing, Bella will live. She will live, but will always be hoping for death. No. Her soul will die because you will tear it to shreds. No. You will leave her bleeding. No. But who will be here to stitch her up?_

The battle inside me raged on, but I subdued it the best I could.

A few steps along the trail we stopped. I made sure Bella was facing the direction of the house. I dropped her hand. That was a mistake. She was my reason to stand. I felt like I was going to collapse. She was truly my weakness. A vampire should not collapse. I leaned against the tree for support and stared at her.

'…_He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear,' _one voice said. Can _you bear this_, my survival instinct commented, can _you survive this pain?_

"Okay, let's talk," Bella said. Her voice was level, but a little breathy.

'_Thou shalt not covet…' I will not destroy Bella Swan. I will not steal away her humanity. I will not steal her life. _I took a deep breath.

"Bella, we're leaving."

She took a deep breath, but otherwise, seemed calm.

"Why now? Another year—"

Her reaction was so… so rational.

"Bella, it's time," I said with fervor. "How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."

She looked confused now. She stared at me, as if trying to read my thoughts. Though, perhaps it was only my desperation to read hers that made me think so. Despite my curiosity and my pity for both her and myself, I made my gaze cold, removed. It hurt to do so.

"When you say _we—_," she whispered.

How could she think I would be so cruel as to not only steal her life, but also her world? How could she think I would take her away from her family and friends?

I spoke very slowly and clearly. I put all of my anger at myself into my words. "I mean my family and myself." Each word separate and distinct.

She shook her head back and forth mechanically. What was she thinking? What was happening? I let none of the anxiety of my thought show. I watched her patiently as the minutes went on. one… two… three….

Finally, after the fourth minute, "Okay," she said. "I'll come with you." I wanted to sigh, sure this would be first of several hours it would take to convince her.

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going… It's not the right place for you." Because I will be there.

"Where you are is the right place for me," she said stubbornly. _Yes, she's your perfect match_, said my instinct.

"I'm no good for you, Bella," I said.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life." Her voice begged. I was ripping. Whatever was inside of me – not a soul – but something inside was tearing. Violently.

"My world is not for you," I said grimly. _I wish. I wish I was human for you, Bella. I wish you didn't have to hurt. I wish I could be good enough. But I'll only hurt you! _I feared for my resolve.

"What happened with Jasper—that was nothing Edward! Nothing!" My resolve was strengthened as I pictured my Bella, surrounded by shards of glass and roses covered in thorns.

"You're right," I agreed. "It was exactly what was to be expected."

"You promised!" Her voice pierced me. "In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—"

"As long as that was best for you," I interrupted to correct her. It was like I had always known it would come to this. _Now I'm lying to you Bella. Don't you understand that? I have to now, just like I did in Phoenix. I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry._

"_No!_" She exclaimed, shrilly. "This is about my soul, isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already!"

I almost fell again. I almost fell to the ground. I almost fell from my decision. Was that what was tearing inside me? Her soul that I had stolen? Was she embedded too far into me, and I into her, for this to work? _You can't say things like that to me. Don't you know what that does? I have no blood, and yet, those words drain my body. Please don't hurt me Bella._

I felt revolted. I wanted vomit, as if it would remove the pain. I set my mouth. I needed to say it. I needed to use the words that would stop her excruciating ones. I needed to use the words that would slice through her unbending will.

I looked up glaring into the very depths of her lovely chocolate brown eyes. "Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I said the words slowly and precisely. I watched her face carefully, trying to sense how deep it had struck. Had I put a dent in her iron hold.

Her face fell in confusion once more. She started to speak, as if she were reading words from a page. "You… don't… want me?"

The dry ache in my throat torched my body. _I love you, Bella._

And then all was cold.

"No."

She stared into my eyes. She would see nothing. There was nothing, nothing but grief, and something I couldn't identify, lying shredded and mutilated around my stone cold heart.

Her face fell more and more the longer she looked into my eyes.

"Well, that changes things," she said, reasonably.

_She can't believe me. _And yet, as thousands of images and pieces of analysis on Bella flew through my mind, I saw that she was resigned.

_I have to end this._

I looked into the trees. I couldn't bear her eyes anymore.

"Of course, I'll always love you…" _No, she can't think that. How will she heal, knowing that? _"…in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…" What? What fit this lie the best? "_tired _of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." I looked back to her face. She seemed afraid of what she saw there. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

Her eyes seemed to focus for the first time. "Don't," she begged in a whisper. "Don't do this."

I stared at her. Her begging added to the pain. But I fought it. She was fighting for the wrong thing because I'd been cruel enough to not stay away the very first time I realized Bella Swan was not someone I could ignore. I could fix that now. I had to.

"You're not good for me, Bella." I said, turning my earlier words around, so she would have no argument.

She opened her mouth to say something. I knew she would tell me how stupid that was. How impossible it was that I would not want her, not after I'd told her so many times I loved her. Not after revealing just how blind she had made me to everything other than her perfection.

She hesitated, and seemed to say something other than what she had originally intended to say. "If that's what you want."

I nodded, speechless. _You never believed me. Every time I held you, every time I kissed you, every time whispered in your ear… did any of that mean to you what it meant to me? What did I do wrong, Bella? Have I not given enough of myself to you? Have I been too careful? You know me more than anyone has ever known me. I've poured the little I have to offer into you. And it's not enough. _ Realization crashed through me like a dull blade dragging through my innards. _It will never be enough._

_Please end this. If there is a God, I beg you, end this!_

Bella was frozen. I remembered my plan. There was something I needed to say. I needed to overcome my selfishness for one second.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much." I looked into Bella's eyes, but saw nothing. The same _nothing_ that was inside of me. It was like she had died. _No, Bella! You're alive! I'm killing you! _I was starting to lose control of my features, but caught myself.

"Anything," She said, her voice empty.

I had to persuade her of one thing. I had to dazzle Bella Swan one last time.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I ordered, no longer detached, but extremely aware and present. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

She nodded, helplessly.

I distanced myself once more, not wanting her to think I cared. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself—for him."

She nodded again. "I will," she whispered.

I forced my body to relax. She needed to believe I was okay with this. "And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this is the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I never existed." As if _us _never existed.

Bella started to shake.

I smiled gently. It was sick. "Don't worry. You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." _But not mine._

"And your memories?" She asked, always knowing.

"Well" –I hesitated for a short second, knowing those memories would haunt me until the day she died, the day I would die— "I won't forget. But _my _kind…we're very easily distracted." I put on my best smile.

Bella gasped for air.

_End this._

I took a step away from her. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

Bella seemed to waken slightly. "Alice isn't coming back," she realized. The words would have been undetectable to human ears. _God willing_, I thought.

I shook my head. Would this be the turning point? Is this when Bella would finally realize I was lying to her?

"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" Her voice seemed blank, though I imagined the betrayal she would feel. I couldn't discredit Alice that way.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."

Bella's face seemed to be twisting into determinism, once more. I needed to end this.

"Goodbye, Bella," I said. My voice contrasting with the raw wound in my heart.

"Wait!" She choked out the word, reaching for me. _I'll always be waiting. With nothing to wait for._

I locked my hands around her wrists and pinned them to her sides. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to her forehead. I squeezed my eyes shut, still fighting the urge to stay. This was the end. Love, life, meaning… over.

"Take care of yourself," I breathed against her skin.

And then I was in my car, racing down the highway, fighting Bella's magnetic pull.

**_A/N - This was depressing. haha... :( What did you think of Edward's thoughts through that part?_**

**_UP NEXT: Want to know what Edward's doing for 6 Months?! Check out the next chapter!_**


	4. Chapter 4: Empty

**I strongly suggest you read the updated end part of Ch.3, when Edward leaves, if you read it before 3/29/10!**

**_A/N - A big thanks to T Lexicon for their twilight timeline and Correspondence with Stephenie that helped make this chapter as accurate as possible. And of course thanks to Stephenie for creating this world and the New Moon Extra from her website: Rosalie's News. Man, this chapter was tricky._**

**_***_**

**Chapter 4: Empty**

The gas petal was nearly parallel to the car floor. I never stopped, weaving in an out of the cars on the road.

Something had gone wrong. For the past three days, all I could think about was getting it over with. Yet the pain deep in my chest was swelling.

The Volvo was shooting down the 5 through Oregon. It was becoming too populated so I went along side roads, finding the most vacant stretches I could. I had no destination in mind.

I went around a curve, and froze, seeing someone in the road.

The tires screamed as I laid my foot on the break, stopping a foot away from Alice Cullen.

She looked at me through the windshield. I looked back.

She walked around to the passenger side and climbed in. I roughly u-turned across the highway to park in the only clear spot I could see.

"What are you going to do now?" She asked, no accusation in her voice.

_Why won't you answer? What are these 'things you have to do?'_

"Edward – !"

"Don't say my name." I begged, my face crumpling.

"What?" She asked, alarmed.

"I don't want to think about it," I said, not really talking to her, but myself. "I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about it." Saying that didn't help. No matter how many times I said it, nothing changed. The memories kept coming.

"But your name – ?"

"She said it," I said, frantically, my eyes wide. "She would always say my name. I loved the sound of it. She would always say it."

"Do you hear yourself? Do you understand now? This is exactly what I said would happen."

I did understand now. And I was horrified at what I had done.

"Please, Ed- " she stopped, "Please, stop and think. I can see you understand. Now, it's not too late. I'll help you explain everything to her. She'll forgive you, I know she will," Alice said.

Alice actually believed I planned to go back. If that were the case, I wouldn't be losing my mind. Hope would exist.

"It's going to be more difficult winning over Charlie, but that's hardly relevant. I'll call Carlisle, and –"

I tried to say something. She waited but I couldn't get it out. _But maybe that _is _a bad idea_, she thought. _Maybe it's for the best. You return and the rest of us stay away. Jasper will understand, Edward. He doesn't – what is that look on your face for?_

My wide eyes glared at her. Slowly, with one word at a time, I said, " I – am – never – going – _back."_

She shook her head, "But… how? You look like you're burning. How can you bear it?!"

She looked down and tried to push farther and farther into the future. Her visions were definite at first. She saw that I meant what I said. But there were images more fleeting beyond that.

Then she saw it.

_Tracking! Tracking who? _"Who are you tracking?"

"Victoria," I said.

She looked confused.

"I can't let her survive. I don't even want the slightest threat against Bella. I must eliminate anything of our world," I choked out. "Safe. I just want her to be safe."

"But you should know, Edward, us leaving won't change her instincts," Alice said. "Bella will always be more susceptible danger or bad luck or whatever you want to call it. If something happens to her, you better hold yourself responsible. She'll go looking for it – "

"Bella promised," I said firmly, wincing as I said her name. "She promised that she wouldn't do anything foolish."

"She said that with you there, but now that your gone… what makes you think she'll have any motivation to keep that promise? You certainly broke promises that you made her."

"Charlie," I said.

Her frown deepened. "What about – "

"Alice, you're hunting for something that does not exist. There is nothing you can say to make me go back."

"Okay, I'll leave it alone for now," she said.

"For now? You aren't going to find a loophole." Suddenly something occurred to me. "Don't be looking for her future either."

Her eyes popped open, incredulous, "you know I can't control that, completely! I'm so attuned to her now, you've had me watching her constantly for the past five months! Now, you expect me to just stop?"

"Yes," I said. I took a deep breath. Alice's voice made me think of Bella. Her face made me think of Bella. Her frustration with me made me think of Bella. Everything familiar was Bella. Especially this stupid car. The car was saturated with her burning scent, and so many memories.

Alice's thoughts clouded over with a vision: Me, pushing the Volvo off a California cliff into the ocean.

"I'll take it," she said, referring to the car.

I started to move, but she grabbed my arm. "Don't do anything stupid," she said, looking into my eyes. _I don't want to lose my best friend. _She kissed my cheek before releasing me.

I ran.

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SEPTEMBER 16, 17:32:53

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SEPTEMBER 16, 17:32:54

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SEPTEMBER 16, 17:32:55

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SEPTEMBER 16, 17:32:56

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SEPTEMBER 16, 17:32:57

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SEPTEMBER 16, 17:32:58

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SEPTEMBER 16, 17:32:59

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SEPTEMBER 16, 17:33:00

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etc…

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DECEMBER 31, 23:11:02

Every millisecond of every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month crawled –

Slowly.

And each millisecond of every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month was empty.

There was a time when I held the utmost respect for the writings of philosophers like Rene Descartes. Descartes, who said, "the heavens, the earth, colors, sound, and all other external things are nought but the illusions and dreams of which [an evil] genius has availed himself in order to lay traps for my credulity," believed that the physical world was not real. Next to ideas such as love, hope, and peace, even his hand was not real. It was his reasoning that a hand, or glass, or any other physical object could be altered completely and destroyed. Love could not. Love would always be love, he reasoned.

But I couldn't agree with Descartes, now. For love had been destroyed. I could find it nowhere. Although I was constantly subjected to the thoughts of those around me, I never saw love. There were superficial attachments, obsessions, and attraction. There was lust, possessiveness, and desperation. But never did I see love.

Nor was their joy or peace. Not even beauty. What was so lovely about a sunset? It was just physics. Cold and clinical. Light hitting particles of water in the clouds. The colors it produced were no different than those found in vomit or urine.

Nothing disgusted me more than music. Each note throbbed like an earache. And it too, was just another part of physics.

There were seconds like this, when the world revolved around physics. There was nothing intriguing about physics, it just was. How had I ever been so interested in it? Why had I wasted my time getting a doctorate in it? Things work – big deal.

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***

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DECEMBER 31, 23:11:54

And then there was every other second, when I remembered good did exist. Love, joy peace, beauty… all of these in Bella Swan.

Bella

Bella

Bella

As long as Bella existed, good would exist also. When she no longer existed, I would not stick around for the hell that would inevitably result.

I could always see her face. At first, it had been sad, like the one I'd lied to in the forest. But slowly, it had transformed. Her smile was now radiant in my mind.

But I didn't unlock the memories. I put all my concentration into that. It made me numb, fighting so hard against all I was. I knew one day the wall in my head would burst like a dam overcome by too much pressure.

Bella

Bella

Bella

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***

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DECEMBER 31, 23:54:56

It was New Years Eve in Las Vegas, Nevada. I hadn't realized the date. Otherwise I would have waited a few days for the overly populated city's numbers to dwindle. I was searching for something I wasn't likely to find, especially in this chaos.

I was walking through a rowdy, shabby neighborhood north of the Strip. Behind me the tacky lights of the casinos flashed through the night sky.

Every block was full of screaming children and lustful couples. Their scents intermingled with smells of barbequed food.

Where among the chaos was Brian, and what did he know about Victoria?

Tracking her had yielded little. I started with no information and no instinct for it.

My initial pursuit of her had been halfhearted. I hadn't quite grown numb yet. So, I wandered.

I ended up in Baudette, Minnesota. There wasn't anything in Baudette. Especially people. So it was odd when Peter and Charlotte showed up there a couple hours after I arrived.

Small towns were not ideal for nomads. There were too few people for an absence to go unnoticed. As it was winter, there appearance made even less sense. The cold forced their prey indoors.

They warily approached the bench I was sitting on. Peter said nothing, he had never been particularly fond of me, and seemed to greatly disapprove my current countenance.

Charlotte, though hesitant, was a little warmer.

"We were in the area, and Alice told us we should stop by to see you," she said, awkwardly.

Alice. Damn her.

I wanted to be _alone._

"I know she sent you here," I said, my voice empty. I hadn't moved my eyes from the tree thirty feet in front of me. "Alice has difficulty letting people be."

_I don't understand what exactly she wanted us to do, _Peter thought. _Comfort him? He's much too hardheaded for that. Sorry, Edward. I can't help my thoughts. _He wasn't truly repentant.

"Alice thought we might be useful to you, in some way," Charlotte said. "We've heard something of your situation. It must be difficult."

_The fool should just change her and this would be over with, _Peter thought. _I can't believe he let it go so far with James. Every time we ran into him and his mate he wanted to start something over _territories_. His little redhead friend seems to be causing quite a stir in the south – _

"What?" I asked sharply. "You know where Victoria is?"

"I've only heard gossip, Edward," Peter said, surprised at my sudden interest.

"Where in the south?" I demanded.

"I don't know. We crossed paths with Randall a while back and he said something about the redhead and her hunting practices. Apparently she's making trouble for other Nomads – "

I got up from the bench. I had to get to the airport.

Charlotte and Peter watched me as I ran. They couldn't decide if I was more rude or more strange.

But now I had something to hope for. I had a task. I hated being idle, but what was there to do, when I wouldn't allow myself within two states of _her_? My only purpose in life was… and I couldn't be near her.

Victoria was very far away from herand it would stay that way. Destroying Victoria was the only thing I had left in the world to do.

I flew into Gulfport, Mississippi the day after I spoke with Peter. I made the quick drive to Biloxi, slowing slightly as I hit the town.

I searched for her thoughts. Where was she? She obviously knew I was looking for her. Why wasn't she answering her phone? As I traveled through the city, I realized the area I was in was much too new to have been of any interest to Alice. Her history would likely be on the outer edges of town, where there were houses and remnants of pre World War I and II times.

I passed a large house with early 1900's architecture and knew I had to be getting close. Finally I heard her. She knew I had found her.

I slid into the parking lot of small church. I walked through a small collection of trees to find the cemetery. Alice was sitting cross-legged beside a marble tombstone.

Her resigned and uncharacteristically sad expression was depressing to say the least. The sight of Alice, so frail, in an ancient cemetery beneath a stormy Mississippi sky was… just eerie.

_Come, sit with me_, she thought.

Seeing her made my hollow chest ache. Bella's face grew clearer in my mind.

I sat down beside her. I couldn't afford to be stubborn now. I needed information.

I had been watching her, but her soft gaze on the marker in front of her distracted me. I followed her line of sight and understood.

This was the grave of Mary Alice Brandon.

"Edward," I winced at my name, "what would you think if this was my true grave?" Alice asked.

_I mean, what if, after knowing me for these past fifty years, I died, and my body – or ashes – were sitting in that coffin?_

"I don't understand –"

_What if there had been a way to save me? Would you have saved me?_

"Of course," I said immediately. "If our family is ever in trouble, I'll be there Alice. I've told Carlisle this."

_That's not what I'm getting at_, she thought.

"What if it was Bella in that coffin?"

She hadn't finished her question when I was suddenly standing thirty feet away from her, snarling. How dare she! How dare she make me imagine such a horrid thing.

_What if there had been a way to save her? Would you have saved her?_

I was furious. I turned to leave this morbid scene.

_Wait, _she cried sadly. _I'll give you the information you came for. I don't know where Victoria is but you'll find Randall in Henderson, Nevada. _She gave me an address. _He's not there yet, but he will be when you get there. _

_But you don't have to go… I miss you… so much._

My chest ached as I stared at her, my brow furrowed.

_I haven't broken any rules, Edward. I've stayed away from Forks, and I haven't looked for her future, but I can't help but see it. Do you understand why? Every time I look for your future, she's always there. No matter what changes, no matter what decisions are made, she's always there in the end. I can't find a future without her. So, this… this whatever it is, is completely pointless._

I left her then, hating the sure visions she showed me. My will-power could not afford any evidence against my cause.

With an address, finding Randall was easy. He had just finished emptying the lone occupant of a small house. The corpse was laid out on the couch.

I fought a shiver. My love for hermade such careless murders much more painful. Yet the scent of fresh blood made my throat react. It wasn't appealing; no scent in the world was appealing because all I could think about was hers. Nevertheless, it had been three months since I last fed.

Randall spun around into a crouch. I looked at him calmly from the kitchen.

_Oh_, he thought, surprised. _Edward._

He straightened, still watching me carefully. My dead expression made him nervous.

"How are Carlisle and Esme? I haven't seen them for years," he said.

"They are well."

"I'm surprised to run into you here." _I mean, really, this is weird._

"I need your help, Randall," I said.

"What do you need?"

"Do you know anything about a vampire called Victoria?" I asked.

_Ah, yes. A lot of folk are seeking her. But –_

"I'm surprised _you _have a rift with her. I thought your family kept to animal blood," he said.

"Yes." My throat ached just thinking about blood, even animal blood. "My problems with her are not related to feeding."

He was about to ask, but I put my question forth first.

"Do you know where she is?" I asked.

"No," he shook his head defeated. "No one does, that's the problem. A few of us have unofficially claimed this region. We respect each other's zones. Occasionally a wanderer will kill here. One kill, we don't mind. But sometimes, like with this Victoria, they go on a spree. Not only do they linger in the city, but they leave evidence in suspicious places. She takes no responsibility, but I suppose she can afford to. She always escapes."

"I see." I said. "You are the most informed? Do any of the others in this region know anything?"

He looked at the expression on my face. _Has he gone mad?_

"Brian might. She's devastated his area the most. Perhaps he might have some new information."

"Where can I find him?" I asked.

"He generally keeps to the northern part of the city. That's all I know," he said, warily.

_I wish he would leave. I don't like the look in his eye._

I turned and left without another word.

That's how I ended up in Las Vegas, Nevada on New Years Eve.

There were an extraordinarily large number of vampires out tonight. The masses of drunken humans made for easy prey.

Finding a vampire would have been simpler on a different night. Not knowing Brian's scent, I could have sought out each vampire, listening to his thoughts to see if he was the one. On a different night, I might have found trails of ten vampires.

Tonight, there were at least forty. It was harder to trace them as their scent mingled with the thousands of humans'.

I had just followed out a trail, completing my twenty-third attempt. It was a female. Her long dirty blonde tresses fell over her victim where she stood behind a chain link fence in a backyard.

The darkness would obscure her from human eyes. I was fifty-feet away, watching her defeated.

Suddenly she looked up and bared her bloody teeth at me, growling. I retreated, following the street around.

Another trail.

I followed it.

The winding trail led me into downtown Vegas.

The streets were covered with a thick layer of people. I could still pick out the trail, but it was difficult.

It took me to the canopy of lights outside the Fremont where large digital numbers were counting down. The people cried out each one

:25

:24

:23

:22

Annoyed I made my way through this crowd, the thickest concentration of people yet. The trail ended at the hotel doors.

Just outside, security guards were checking that those trying to enter had room keys. I pulled out my wallet and grabbed a few bills.

"Sir, do you have a room key?" The guard asked.

I silently handed him the cash.

He looked around clearing his throat, and nodded for me to proceed.

The casino was less crowded but still packed.

:5

:4

:3

:2

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***

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JANUARY 1, 00:00:01

I gasped for air. I looked to the left and saw a sign for the men's restroom. I darted into the handicap stall and sank to the ground.

I was shaking; it was like I was being electrocuted.

_Bella! Bella! Bella!_

I buried my face in my knees, using all my strength to keep myself from sobbing. I wrapped my arms tightly around my torso. It felt like I'd been split open.

It was over. _ Over, over, over, over, over._

One perfect year. That's all I had gotten. One year of Bella. One year of all the things I'd subconsciously hoped for.

That year was gone. I would not see Bella ever again. This was a new year. Good had come and gone. For Bella, it was the beginning.

For me it was the start of a long and dragging end. How long would it last? Sixty years? Seventy years? Eighty?

Sickening confusion lapped beneath the surface. Eighty years was a good thing. And yet the thought was agonizing. I wished Bella would live to be ninety-eight, or even better one hundred and twenty, but could I bear that?

What was I going to do? How could I go on living like this for decades to come? It hadn't even been four months. Every cell in my body cried out for Bella.

I was starting to crack. The numbness was fading. I had to stop it. There had to be something…

"_Brian Matreschci." _

"_Alright Mr. Matreschci, we'll have your bags taken up. If you follow me, I'll show you to your suite."_

"_Thank You."_

_My, what a _very _nice looking man, _the concierge thought as she flipped her wild curls over her shoulder.

I looked up at the tile wall, trying to decide if I wanted to continue to burn here, or seek slight escape in my task.

Feeling very weak, I struggled to stand up. I knew his scent now, though, and following it was more like a compulsion. It was as if I thought following him would bring me to Bella.

I wondered if he had been surprised to smell me there, but he probably hadn't, being just as aware, I'm sure, of all the vampires in the city tonight.

I waited until the concierge returned to the lobby fifteen minutes later to go upstairs myself.

Though the top two floors held suites, I didn't have to speculate as to which he would be on. The highest floor always provided the best accommodations. He would certainly want that in a hotel like this. Why was it, that a vampire, who naturally had unlimited means, wasn't staying somewhere more upscale like the Bellagio or the Venetian?

The elevator doors opened to the fourteenth floor. This was definitely it. There were two doors. He was behind the left. Before I could knock the door was open. Brian, just an inch or two shorter than me, with vivid black hair, stood in front of me, looking exactly as he had through the concierge's mind. His short combed hair, strong jaw, and Armani suit gave him the look of a successful businessman.

"Come in," he said in a voice as sure as his jaw. He turned and walked toward the miniature kitchen. I shut the door behind me and walked into the room a few more steps. "I've been expecting you," he said as he shuffled through some papers sitting on the marble countertop.

This surprised me. "You have?"

"Yes, I knew you were looking for me."

"How?"

I saw the answer in his mind as he said it. "I have a gift for that sort of thing," he said momentarily looking up from his business on the counter. "I know when people are looking for me or when they're thinking of me." He laughed good-naturedly. "I suppose it's like when people say a ringing in your ear means someone is saying something bad about you. Sometimes I can tell the tenor of the thought and whether or not the possessor is familiar to me, but only if its deep enough, not just abrupt annoyance, or anything like that.

"But with you, it was quite deep." He was completely distracted from his papers now. "Yes… " he said thoughtfully, "my instinct has given me a very good feeling about your arrival, though I have no idea why. Perhaps you could enlighten me? His slightly red eyes, so slight, a human would only see black, peered into mine.

_Maybe I was wrong, _he thought. _The boy's face is tragic, what good news could he bring to me. I don't sense a threat, though._

"I came to speak to you about Victoria."

His face broke out into a huge smile. "Aha! Aha, aha, _aha_!" He said, swinging his arm excitedly. "You are our little desert savior, aren't you?! You seek to destroy her, yes?"

"Yes," I replied. "Do you know where – "

"She's not here," he said. "She was, but I'll bet you anything she's gone now."

Brian lived so much in the moment, I could gather little from his thoughts.

"Why is that?" I asked, confused.

"Victoria has a gift somewhat similar to mine. She has a great survival instinct for escape. I felt the depth of your resolve to find me. I imagine she's sensed something similar. Only her gift is more advanced than mine. If I had thought you sought me maliciously, I could run, but for all I would have known, I could have been running right towards you. She, on the other hand, knows exactly what direction to run."

"Yes, I suspected her gifts but I don't understand why she's left now. I was under the impression that you were hunting her."

He chuckled. "I hate to discredit myself, but I'm afraid she found no threat in my pursuit… that says something extraordinary about your determination.

"Tell me, son," he said looking at me curiously, "why do you seek her? Has she encroached on your territory as well?" _I doubt that, look at his empty eyes, this isn't about food. "_Or is it something else?"

He took a careful step towards me.

"I'm simply fulfilling a need," I said.

He wondered at my vagueness, but I had no time for his intrigue.

"Do you know where she might have gone?"

"I caught her scent traveling south east this morning. I didn't think anything of it. I thought she was off on some errand or other, but would return. But now… I'm sure she was on her way."

"Where were you?" I asked as urgently as my dry voice would allow.

He gave me a landmark.

"Thank you," I said, turning to leave.

"No, thank _you_," he said. "Good luck, my friend.

I picked up her trail easily.

The trip took me about thirty-five hours. The scent drove me wild; the bloodlust was strong.

I knew my quest to find Victoria was more than an extreme measure to ensure Bella's future. That was certainly the most important reason, but I'd be lying to myself if I didn't own up to the rest of it.

Revenge. It was a small piece of the revenge I would never get – the satisfaction I almost mourned losing.

I should have been the one to end James. I should have been the one who got the privilege of watching his eyes roll back in his head as his every nerve shriveled in pain. I should have been the one…

But it hadn't happened. Bella had needed me. My poor angel, bloodied and harmed. She had needed me.

But she wouldn't have needed me if I'd left her alone. If I hadn't talked to her, if I hadn't told her I loved her, if I hadn't introduced her to my family, if I hadn't taken her to that stupid baseball game…

What if I had continued to ignore her? What if I had stayed in Forks while staying out of her life?

I looked at my phone for the time. It was noon. I would have been sitting across the cafeteria from Bella, sitting next to Alice. I'd probably glance at her discreetly, she might look up and stare at me, like she used to. The _feel _of having those brown eyes on mine!

And if I had talked to her… and if I hadn't left… then I'd be sitting by her side. The pain in my chest flared. It hit me with so much force I tripped… I'd never done that before. The momentum of my body sent me crashing to the ground where I rolled over and over before knocking over a cactus.

I curled up in a ball.

Bella

Bella

Bella

I didn't even think about the fact that Bella wasn't even at school, as it was New Years Day. All I could do was picture her bright, curious eyes. I ran through a million scenarios that contained Bella and I together in some form.

My mind was intent on torturing me. It played through all the things I was missing. I thought about how magical it would have been counting down the New Year with Bella. The day had never held much significance for me… but with Bella…

Worst of all were the memories. Unstoppable now. Some of the memories that came to me made sense that I should remember them, like that absurd day in Seattle when Bella told me she didn't want a party [_**A/N – **__that's in _updated_ chapter 1_], but some seemed to have little significance at all.

I remembered one day in late July. Bella was cooking dinner as I watched, memorizing each thing she did. I'd become obsessed with the Food Network, not liking that this talent evaded me. Cooking was perfect. It was a way to do something special for Bella without her complaining about it.

Bella reached for the pickle jar. She tried twisting the lid off. When that didn't work, she tried to use the edge of her shirt. She sighed, finally acknowledging my hand extended towards her, setting the jar in it. My fingers hardly moved and the lid was off. She glared at me as I chuckled.

"So weak… " I murmured playfully.

"Mmmmm… " She sighed her eyes looking into mine, mesmerized.

She took a sly step forward before stretching up on her toes to reach my lips. I lowered my lips down to hers.

Our lips met. Bliss. I felt Bella's fingers trailing down the back of my shirt. The heat seeped through the fabric and hit my skin. I gasped and quickly pulled her face away. Her eyes looked into mine, confused rather than disappointed. I was always the one to pull away, never letting a kiss go on over eight seconds, exactly (or nine, if I couldn't resist), but one second… that wasn't typical

"What was that?" Bella asked. I had to laugh at her tone. She was like a customer complaining to a store clerk about wilted vegetables.

My pause was so short she wouldn't have noticed. Why had I pulled away? I couldn't tell her the truth. _I'm acutely sensitive to your touch. So much so that it sends pure pleasure through my body, so much so that it makes me _want _you in ways that are _much_ less than gentlemanly. And the feel of your fingertips slowly trailing along my body… _I sighed.

Luckily, I heard the cruiser pulling up. "Your father's home."

She groaned in exasperation.

The same scenario had happened a hundred times over the summer. Extreme passion versus unyielding restraint. Every time I would sigh, wishing desperately we could keep going. I was connected to Bella spiritually and intellectually above anything else, but the physical desires were most certainly there. Resisting them was very difficult for someone with brain capacity similar to mine. There was room for my undying love for Bella, and yet the superficial cravings, the one's for her soft curves, her perfect skin, her silky hair – they were all there, a hundred times more powerful than Bella's cravings for me. She didn't realize this of course, I would never be so vile as to express that to her. But sometimes I couldn't stop from fantasizing like any other male. I disliked this about myself, my occasional lapses into fantasizing. It was demeaning to Bella and shallow, no better than Mike Newton. And also, thinking about all the things I'd like to do with Bella was no help to avoiding them.

But that wasn't something I had to worry about any longer. Letting passion carry along too far. Bella and I had shared our last kiss…

I still couldn't move to get up from the dusty desert floor. This memory had led to another…

It was that first night I stayed, well, the first night she invited me to stay. It was one of my most treasured memories… so, why I was torturing myself with it I don't know.

I remembered lying on her bed, holding her in my arms with her back to me. I had laughed at one of the wonderfully silly things she had said. I'd never laughed so much in my ninety years as a vampire than the few days I had spent with Bella Swan.

I pressed my lips to her wet, tangled hair. The water brought out her scent more potently. Her heartbeat accelerated, and then calmed some. She was silent for about thirty seconds, when I whispered, "Are you ready to sleep? Or do you have a few more questions?"

"Only a million or two," she had said with exhilaration and desperation.

"We have tomorrow, and the next day, and the next…," I had reminded her. At the time I had actually believed this blissful future would exist. What a fool I was.

"Are you sure you won't vanish in the morning," Bella asked, worriedly. "You are mythical, after all."

And then I told her the biggest lie I would ever tell her, the biggest promise I would break: "I won't leave you." It hadn't seemed possible at the time. It still didn't.

"One more, then, tonight…" I could smell the rich scent of her blood then, and the heat off her skin intensifying. She was blushing.

Why was she blushing? Was she excited? Nervous? Angry? Embarrassed?

"What is it?" I asked, desperate to have the mystery solved.

"No, forget it. I changed my mind." Embarrased.

Her hesitancy was maddening. I needed to know what she was thinking! I tried to coax her.

"Bella, you can ask me anything," I said. It was true.

She didn't answer. I groaned, aching to know.

"I keep thinking it will get less frustrating, not hearing your thoughts. But it just gets worse and _worse._" At first I had wanted to know more basic thoughts. What emotion was she feeling? How truthful was she being? I could ascertain the answers to those questions through her expressions and tone, now. It was the more complex things that I couldn't begin to comprehend, and yet, I wanted to so badly.

"I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking." She was ridiculous; there was nothing in her thoughts that should humiliate her. There was nothing she could be thinking that would taint her perfection. Nothing.

"Please?" I said in my most persuasive tone.

She shook her head.

I would have to try a different tactic. I wish I could see her eyes, this would be easier if I had that advantage.

"If you don't tell me, I'll just assume it's something much worse than it is," I threatened darkly… bluffed, as I honestly had no idea what it was.

"Well," She hesitated. _No, don't stop! _

"Yes?" I urged.

"You said that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon…. Is that …marriage…the same as it is for humans?"

I laughed. It was hilarious to listen to someone so self-conscious as Bella try to discuss sex.

"Is _that _what you're getting at"

Bella fidgeted.

"Yes, I suppose it is much the same," I said. It was a little odd, thinking about Bella thinking about _that…_ but of course she would, she was a human with hormones. I kind of like that, but I wasn't sure why. "I told you, most of those human desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires." _Like sucking the life from your body_, I thought darkly.

It seemed bold of her to ask such a question. She was so careful, trying to avoid vulnerability at all costs. I waited for her to answer, hoping it would shed light on the motivation of her question.

But all she said was, "oh."

"Was there a purpose behind you curiosity?"

"Well, I did wonder… about you and me… someday…"

I froze in shock. She was thinking about her and I…

Dangerous.

Wonderful.

But dangerous!

Bella was thinking about her and I having sex?

My body thrilled at the sound of that.

But no. No, no, no, no, no, _no! _That was beyond dangerous. It was stupid of me to even think of it… though of course I had. But it was even more dangerous now that she was thinking of it too.

"I don't think that… that… would be possible for us," I said, trying to maintain tact, overcome my shock, and warn her all at the same time.

"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that… close?" Always so curious. And surprising.

"That's certainly a problem. But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident," I murmured softly. I rested my palm against her cheek. I could feel the panic rising up in me. "If I were too hasty… if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don't realize how incredibly _breakable _you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you." No matter how much I wanted to. I breathed in and her scent assaulted me. Oh yeah, and there was that, too.

I grew anxious when she didn't respond. "Are you scared?" I asked.

She didn't answer right away. What on earth was she thinking? Was she afraid? She never seemed to be. If she wasn't afraid, what _could _she be thinking about? Sex still? She had wondered if we could…

Again I wondered at the idea. And then a thought occurred to me. If she was thinking about that… did she have experience, expectations?

_Did _she have experience?

"No. I'm fine," she said.

Wait. If she had experience… with whom? Suddenly I was seeing red. Jealousy, fiercer than anything I had ever experienced, consumed me.

If she had slept with someone, and I found out who he was, what would I do? It seemed like the fury of this jealous storm had to be channeled somewhere.

Would I kill him, whoever he was? Probably. Sweet Bella, so innocent, he had certainly coerced her. What if he had touched her _without _her permission? I thought of her ability to find danger.

I was suddenly generating a very large list of ways I could torture this unidentified male. There was something intriguing about castration by a dull blade… that made me think of Mike Newton, who was getting closer to that destiny every day with his vile fantasies about Bella.

I had to ask.

"I'm curious now, though," my voice light, despite my unforgivable thoughts, "Have _you _ever . . . ?" I trailed off suggestively.

"Of course not," she said. I knew instantly she was telling the truth and the pressure and burning hate was alleviated like ice water spilling over me. "I told you I've never felt like this about anyone before, not even close." My heart rejoiced about being her one and only, in all ways.

"I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company."

"They do for me," she said, offended. I marveled at her glorious purity. "Now, anyway, that they exist for me at all," she sighed.

I tried to keep my voice casual. "That's nice. We have that one thing in common, at least."

"Your human instincts. . . ," she paused. "Well, do you find me attractive, in _that _way, at all?"

I laughed. Silly. If only she knew… or perhaps it was better she didn't. I rumpled her hair. "I may not be a human, but I am a man," I assured her.

She yawned, and the memory faded into the bright sun.

I was suffering.

I couldn't decide what was better the throbbing numbness that came with trying not to remember, or the ragged wound of reliving what no longer was.

Whether Bella was still upset over my departure or not, she _would _heal. She would say yes to some other man. She would give him all of her. Her heart. Her mind. And her body. I wouldn't allow myself to castrate him after she did this. Isn't that what I wanted? For her to find someone good for her, for her to marry him, for her to have kids with him. . .

I shivered. No. I could never say I _wanted_ that. But it was still what was right.

This useless detour down memory lane is what made my thirty-hour trip a thirty-five-hour trip.

Finally, I reached Galveston. Her trail became more winding here. It wasn't surprising. The territory was packed with vampires. Hundreds of scents streaked hundreds of trails across Texas. They seemed particularly concentrated as I neared Galveston. This was most likely due to the costal access. The tense territorial claims here would leave vampires eager to guard their land.

The tension made me on edge. If there were a map highlighting territorial disputes, it would likely get thicker the farther south you followed it. In the North, there was virtually no conflict. In Nevada, there had been some. Weak claims to areas existed but they were nothing like that of the south.

Nervous vampires stalked my steps, watching me. They would not attack me as I was only passing through, but theydidn't know my purpose yet and watched me anxiously.

Her trail took me to the water's edge, the Atlantic. I stared out at the Gulf of Mexico. She could have swam anywhere; New Orleans, Fort Meyers, Havana, Merida.

This was beyond frustrating. What now? Was I to question the hostile vampires who were analyzing my every move?

_Why not?_ I thought grimly.

Suddenly my phone was buzzing.

Alice.

Couldn't she just leave me alone?

I answered. "_What_?" I snapped.

"Didn't I tell you not to do anything stupid?" She exclaimed.

"Alice," I growled.

"Please don't try talking to them. Unless – "

I snapped my phone shut, cursing under my breath.

What now? Apparently talking to the lurking vampires was suicidal. Maybe that wasn't such a bad idea - ? I only thought about it for a second, but that was long enough for the phone to start buzzing again. I ignored it, knowing Alice would see in a moment that it was just a fleeting consideration.

I sat down on the beach, looking out at the crashing waves. Of course I thought of Bella.

My mind jumped to every memory of Bella I had tied with the ocean. There were stories she had told me about going to the beach as a little girl with her mom and grandmother. More stories about spending a few weeks for the past few summers with Charlie in southern California. They would always spend a few days at the beach.

And then, of course, there was the invitation to go to First Beach with her and Newton's crowd. I frowned, remembering my disappointment at hearing which beach they were going to. Of course, I wouldn't have gone anyway. There was no way I would have wasted precious time with Bella cramped in the back of the Newton's Suburban. But there was something in choosing to not go and choosing to not go because of an ancient treaty that a few old Quileute men remembered.

I stayed in Galveston for over two weeks looking for someone who might help me. I listened carefully to both vampire and human minds, hoping that someone at least saw her.

That was when I lost it again.

The sun was quickly rising and I knew I had to find cover. I ended up in a large shed full of sports equipment attached to a school building. It was full enough that if anyone came looking for something, I could easily conceal myself. I curled up on my side and wrapped my arms around my chest, as usual.

The hollowness of my chest ached. I'd never appreciated my heart much. I'd mocked both its silence and stillness, critical of a heart that could not beat. Was it so much a heart, immobile as it was?

But I'd grown to realize there had been something to it before. Now, it was gone. It seemed the weight of the retired organ was gone. My chest felt painfully empty.

I thought of Bella's beating heart. Such a beautiful sound. If only I could hear it.

Instead I heard something else. I hadn't been paying much attention to the sounds from the school building. Thoughts and voices intermingled. But the voice of a female teacher rang in my ears.

"Class, please get out a sheet of paper and a pencil for your spelling test. Don't forget to write your name and the date in the upper left hand of your paper." She raised a marker to the whiteboard and wrote as she spoke again. "Today is January nineteenth."

January nineteenth:

The first day I saw Bella Swan.

My fingertips gripped at my ribs as the raw pain intensified. I moaned.

Moments like this continued to happen. I realized there had been all sorts of iconic moments. Their anniversaries hit me like a bullet train: the first time I spoke to Bella, which was the same day we first touched, the first time I heard her laugh, the first time she said my name, the first time she said yes to me, the day she said she didn't care. She hadn't cared I was a monster. She was perfect. Anyone else would have run, but Bella was my perfect match. My soul mate. Yet, I couldn't be that for her, because I had no soul. I was merely stealing hers, and that was no good.

There were moments like that when I could almost live with my decision to leave. Usually there was just a lot of regret.

The sun had just set on a late January day when it happened. I was still in Galveston. I had found nothing, but I had nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. I still hadn't fed.

At first the other vampires had been suspicious of my constant presence. But my withered and pathetic appearance gave them no fear. Originally they thought my starvation was due to some mass hunt I had planned.

But they watched, and saw that I was simply weak and probably crazy. They laughed with one another now, joking about their zombie visitor.

I had walked to the shore again, where the trail had ended. I was about fifty yards from the spot when I froze. A vampire, whose scent was unfamiliar, was running inland, she was thinking about Victoria.

Discreetly I followed her. It was a bit difficult to avoid detection by her and the human stragglers, but I was as close to alive as I had been since September thirteenth, and didn't really mind. I winced, but kept running.

I looked into her mind, trying to understand who she was and why she was looking for her.

_That B_tch doesn't have much longer. I'll rip that filthy red rag until every last cell is exposed. She's never felt pain._

Her anger masked her motivation. Eventually I understood, though. It seems Victoria had ended up in Rockport. This female worked for a different vampire who had claimed that territory. She was trying to prove her worth by tracking her down. She seemed to have firm knowledge of Victoria's direction.

We reached Houston Hobby Airport. _Oh no_, I thought dully. Would we catch her? I asked, oddly grouping myself with the female vampire chasing her.

We both had to slow down when we got near the airport. There were to too many people and too much surveillance to do otherwise. She got lucky, getting a boarding pass to get past security check, before a crowd of people arrived. My spacing put me behind the crowd. I waited in the line but was present in the female vampire's thoughts.

She followed Victoria's fresh trail to the terminal of a flight leaving for Brazil. I realized she had bought a boarding pass for the same plane, planning to corner Victoria there.

But her thoughts fell, the plane was taking flight. I borrowed the heavy disappointment she was experiencing because I felt too dead to really muster such a strong emotion in myself. I proceeded to the counter and, without thinking purchased a ticket for the next flight to Brazil.

The flight was uneventful. Many people were disturbed by my appearance. The black of my eyes ringed by circles almost as dark left them cringing.

Belo Horizonte, where her flight had landed about ten hours before mine, had no trace of her. I searched the airport, the city, it's suburbs.

Nothing.

That was when I gave up. No numbness remained. There was nothing left to be done but wait. Wait for sixty or seventy or eighty years…

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***

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MARCH 10, 23:17:44

Over the past month I'd become more and more aware. I no longer shied away from memories or her name. I no longer shied away from writhing in the agony of the distance between us. I rarely moved locations, leaving my hiding place only when some human wandered into it.

I lived always in the dark. That was fitting. I would dwell for hours on everything I wanted to say to her.

_I love you, Bella! I think about you all the time. There is nothing in the world apart from you. There is nothing of worth. Why did I leave you?! I wish I hadn't. I wish I was with you right now. I wish I could hear you voice. I wish I could see your face. I wish I could feel your lips on mine._

_I think about what you might be doing all the time. I think about when you must be sleeping or in school. Sometimes it drives me mad, thinking about all the things you could be doing in a given moment and not knowing which one is reality. _

_I worry that you've found someone else. I think about Mike Newton… _a lot. _Though, I really do hope you found someone more worthy than Newton. _

_I wonder about what you're wearing on a particular day, though I always picture you in blue. You are always beautiful, but there's something about blue against your skin…_

_I hope you think about me. I know it's selfish, and I know you shouldn't, but I can't bear the thought that it might truly be "as if I never existed…"_

_I imagine all the colleges you applied to and all the acceptances on their ways. I've imagined a million different futures for you. They're all bright, and that's what keeps me going._

_I hate myself for ever hurting you. I hate myself for wanting to return now. For wanting to hurt you again._

And that was my routine. To love, think, worry, wonder, hope, and imagine Bella. And to hate myself through every moment of it.

But thinking of Bella so often was endangering my resolve, just as I feared it would.

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***

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MARCH 18, 10:24:07

The phone in my pocket vibrated again. It was the twenty-fifth time in twenty-four hours. I thought about opening the phone, at least seeing who was trying to contact me. Perhaps it was important. Maybe Carlisle needed me.

I thought about it, but I did not move.

I wasn't precisely sure where I was. Some dark attic crawl space, full of rats and spiders. The spiders ignored me, and the rats gave me a wide berth. The air was thick with the heavy scents of cooking oil, rancid meat, human sweat, and the nearly solid layer of pollution that was actually visible in the humid air, like a black film over everything.

Below me, four stories of a rickety ghetto tenement teamed with life. I didn't bother to separate the thoughts from the voices—they made a big, loud Spanish clamor that I didn't listen to. I just let the sounds bounce off me. Meaningless. All of it was meaningless.

My very existence was meaningless.

The whole world was meaningless.

My forehead pressed against my knees, and I wondered how much longer I would be able to stand this. Maybe it was hopeless. Maybe, if my attempt was doomed to failure anyway, I should stop torturing myself and just go back…

The idea was so powerful, so _healing_—like the words contained a strong anesthetic, washing away the mountain of pain I was buried under—that it made me gasp, made me dizzy.

I could leave now, I could go back.

Bella's face, always behind the lids of my eyes, smiled at me.

It was a smile of welcome, of forgiveness, but it did not have the affect my subconscious probably intended it to have.

Of course I could not go back. What was my pain, after all, in comparison to her happiness? She _should _be able to smile, free from fear and danger. Free from a longing for a soulless future. She deserved better than that. She deserved better than me. When she left this world, she would go to a place that was forever barred to me, no matter how I conducted myself here.

The idea of that final separation was so much more intense than the pain I already had. My body shook with it. When Bella went on to the place where she belonged and I never could, I would not linger here behind. There must be oblivion. There must be relief.

That was my hope, but there were no guarantees. _To sleep, perchance to dream. _

_Ay, there's the rub_, I quoted to myself. Even when I was ash, would I somehow still feel the torture of her loss?

I shuddered again.

And, damn it, I'd promised. I'd promised her that I wouldn't haunt her life again, bring my black demons into it. I wasn't going back on my word. Couldn't I do anything right by her? Anything at all?

The idea of returning to the cloudy little town that would always be my true home on this planet snaked through my thoughts again.

Just to check. Just to see that she's well and safe and happy. Not to interfere.

She would never know I was there…

No. Damn it, no.

The phone vibrated again.

"Damn it, damn it, damn it," I growled.

I could use the distraction, I supposed. I flipped the phone open and registered the numbers with the first shock I'd felt in half a year.

Why would Rosalie be calling me? She was the one person who was probably enjoying my absence.

There must be something truly wrong if she needed to talk to me. Suddenly worried for my family, I hit the send button.

"What?" I asked tensely.

"Oh, wow. Edward answered the phone. I feel so honored."

As soon as I heard her tone, I knew my family was fine. She must just be bored.

It was hard to guess at her motives without her thoughts as a guide. Rosalie had never made much sense to me. Her impulses were usually founded on the most convoluted kinds of logic.

I snapped the phone shut.

"Leave me alone," I whispered to nobody.

Of course the phone vibrated again at once.

Would she keep calling until she passed along whatever message she was planning to annoy me with? Probably. It would take months for her to grow tired of this game. I toyed with the idea of letting her hit redial for the next half year…and then sighed and answered the phone again.

"Get on with it."

Rosalie rushed through the words. "I thought you would want to know that Alice is in Forks."

I opened my eyes and stared at the rotten wooden beams three inches from my face.

"What?" My voice was flat, emotionless.

"You know how Alice is—thinks she knows everything. Like you." Rosalie chuckled humorlessly. Her voice had a nervous edge, like she was suddenly unsure about what she was doing.

But my rage made it hard to care what Rosalie's problem was.

Alice had sworn to me that she would follow my lead in regards to Bella, though she did not agree with my decision. She'd promised that she would let Bella alone…for as long as I did. Clearly, she'd thought I would eventually fold to the pain. Maybe she was right about that.

But I hadn't. Yet. So what was she doing in Forks? I wanted to wring her skinny neck. Not that Jasper would let me get that close to her, once he caught a whiff of the fury blowing out of me…

"Are you still there, Edward?"

I didn't answer. I pinched the bridge of my nose with my fingertips, wondering if it were possible for a vampire to get a migraine.

On the other hand, if Alice had already gone back…

No. No. No. No.

I'd made a promised. Bella deserved a life. I'd made a promise. Bella deserved a life.

I repeated the words like a mantra, trying to clear my head of the seductive image of Bella's dark window. The doorway to my only sanctuary.

No doubt I would have to grovel, were I to return. I didn't mind that. I could happily spend the next decade on my knees if I were with her.

No, no, no.

"Edward? Don't you even care why Alice is there?"

"Not particularly."

Rosalie's voice turned a trifle smug now, pleased, no doubt, that she'd forced a response from me. "Well, of course, she's not exactly breaking the rules. I mean, you only warned us to stay away from Bella, right? The rest of Forks doesn't matter."

I blinked my eyes slowly. Bella had left? My thoughts circled around the unexpected idea. She hadn't graduated yet, so she must have returned to her mother.

That was good. She should live in sunshine. It was good that she'd been able to put the shadows behind her.

I tried to swallow, and couldn't.

Rosalie trilled a nervous laugh. "So you don't need to be angry with Alice."

"Then why did you call me, Rosalie, if not to get Alice in trouble? Why are you bothering me? Ugh!"

"Wait!" she said, sensing, rightly, that I was able to hang up again. "That's not why I called."

"Then why? Tell me quickly, and then _leave me alone_."

"Well…" she hesitated.

"Spit it out, Rosalie. You have ten seconds."

"I think you should come home," Rosalie said in a rush. "I'm tired of Esme grieving and Carlisle never laughing. You should feel ashamed at what you've done to them. Emmett misses you all the time and it's getting on my nerves. You have a family. Grow up and think about something besides yourself."

"Interesting advice, Rosalie. Let me tell you a little story about a pot and a kettle…"

"I _am_ thinking about them, unlike you. Don't you care how much you've hurt

Esme, if no one else? She loves you more than the rest of us, and you know that. Come home."

I didn't answer.

"I thought once this whole Forks thing was finished, you would get over it."

"Forks was never the problem, Rosalie," I said, trying to be patient. What she'd

said about Esme and Carlisle had struck a chord. "Just because Bella" —it was hard to say her name out loud— "has moved to Florida, it doesn't mean that I'm able… Look, Rosalie. I really am sorry, but, trust me, it wouldn't make anyone happier if I were there."

"Um…"

There it was, that nervous hesitation again.

"What is it that you're not telling me, Rosalie? Is Esme all right? Is Carlisle—"

"They're fine. It's just…well, I didn't say that Bella _moved_."

I didn't speak. I ran over our conversation in my head. Yes, Rosalie _had_ said that

Bella had moved. She'd said: …_you only warned us to stay away from Bella, right? The rest of Forks doesn't matter._ And then: _I thought once this whole Forks thing was finished…_ So Bella wasn't in Forks. What did she mean, Bella hadn't moved?

Then Rosalie was rushing through her words again, saying them almost angrily this time.

"They didn't want to tell you, but I think that's stupid. The quicker you get over this, the sooner things can go back to normal. Why let you mope around the dark corners of the world when there's no need for it? You can come home now. We can be a family again. It's over."

My mind seemed to be broken. I couldn't make sense of her words. It was like there was something very, very obvious she was telling me, but I had no idea what it was.

My brain played with the information, making strange patterns of it. Nonsensical.

"Edward?"

"I don't understand what you are saying, Rosalie."

A long pause, the length of a few human heartbeats.

"She's dead, Edward."

A longer pause.

"I'm…sorry. You have a right to know, though, I think. Bella…threw herself off a cliff two days ago. Alice saw it, but it was too late to do anything. I think she would have helped, though, broken her word, if there had been time. She went back to do what she could for Charlie. You know how she's always cared for him—"

The phone went dead. It took me a few seconds to realize that I'd shut the power off.

I sat in the dusty darkness for a long, frozen space. It was like time had ended.

Like the universe had stopped.

Slowly, moving like an old man, I turned my phone back on and dialed the one number I'd promise myself I would never call again.

If it was her, I would hang up. If it was Charlie, I'd get the information I needed through subterfuge. I'd prove Rosalie's sick little joke wrong, and then go back to my nothingness.

"Swan residence," answered a voice I'd never heard before. A man's husky voice,

deep, but still youthful.

I didn't pause to think about the implications of that.

"This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen," I said, perfectly imitating my father's voice. "May I please speak to Charlie?"

"He's not here," the voice responded, and I was dimly surprised by the anger in it.

The words were almost a snarl. But that didn't matter.

"Well, where is he then?" I demanded, getting impatient.

There was a short pause, as if the stranger wanted to withhold the information from me.

"He's at the funeral," the boy finally answered.

I shut the phone again.

The world was suddenly smoldering.

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***

**_A/N- I did my best to keep it moving and interesting. I consolidated his time away into this one chapter so we could get a taste without getting bored or incredibly depressed... hope I succeded...? lol. Thanks for sticking with me. I promise the next chapter will be _very_ interesting!_**

**_I need your feedback, though! How was the concept of time? What did you think of Edward's twilight memory (steamy? haha) ?_**

_**UP NEXT:**** Edward confronts the Volturi AND finds out how horrible (and dangerous) life has been for Bella! Beyond shocked, angry, and guilty, what else does he feel?**_


	5. Chapter 5: Obsession

**_A/N - Don't be alarmed at how short this chapter is. It's a significant moment and I thought it would read best standing alone._**

**_***_**

**_Chapter 5: Obsession_**

I lost count. It was disorienting. I didn't know the month or the week or the day or the second or the millisecond.

I didn't know where I was or where I had been.

I only knew where I was going and that I had to get there.

_Now._

I had experienced suffering, pain, agony, emptiness, torture, hurt, depression, sadness, tragedy, and hopelessness since I had last seen her face. So many times over that I grew tired of using the same adjectives to describe my horrid state.

For this, however, there were no words.

This emotion had never been felt before.

Only a soul in hell would be able to grasp the turmoil I was in.

I felt like I was swimming through thick blood and other tissuey remains, suffocating in the gore that had come of my actions.

I broke through the wall, falling seven floors, and cracking the sidewalk as I landed. I smashed the glass of the car parked beside me at the curb, starting it just as quickly.

I left the car running in the drop-off zone of the airport and pushed past a couple making their way up to the ticket counter, beating them there.

"_Italy." _I spat.

The woman behind the desk was frightened beyond words.

"Now!" I shouted.

People were starting to stare.

I threw some cash across the counter, much more than the flight's cost. She seemed to wake up a little then.

"Uhm," she said, speaking in Spanish, trying to regain her composure. "The next flight with available seats leaves at 10 am –"

She shrank under my glare. "But I'm sure we could bump someone from the 6 am flight."

My phone vibrated as I made my way to the terminal. I threw it into a trashcan.

Remembering, now, I could see these details—stealing the car, screaming at the woman behind the counter, getting on the airplane—but when I was living it…

It's impossible to understand that kind of grief. Every day of my life since I had met her was about keeping her safe. Every day had been about making her happy.

I had failed on both counts.

My throat felt odd. Not a burning, but more like the heaviness humans feel when they're holding back tears, like there's something in their throat.

My stomach felt odd, too. Hollow somehow.

It was like a dull echo striking my body again and again.

Picture the one you love most. A parent, a brother, a sister, a best friend – now imagine them dead. Think about your happiest moment with them, then think about the biggest mistake you ever made – the worst you ever hurt them. Then with all those memories welling up inside of you, imagine that's all you have left. These faint traces of reality. They hurt because you know there is nothing to hope for. You will never get more of them then what's left in your head. They have left you. And whether or not you believe that they went to heaven or hell, it's as if they don't exist at all.

That was how it felt, but magnified in ways I couldn't describe, because the memories – there were just too many.

I could play through every moment with Bella like a video. It ran on repeat through my head. There was no way for me to control it.

Thinking about the same loved one as before, imagine they killed themselves, imagine they did it because you hurt them too much.

My mind battled not only with the things I had seen, but also with the things I couldn't help but visualize.

The body.

Her.

No, it wasn't her. Just an empty body.

I pictured it. Her glowing pink cheeks replaced, sallow gray. Her empty eyes would be closed. Her body would be cold and stiff.

I imagined the mortician sewing her eyelids closed. I imagined them washing the body. I imagined the little tag that would be tied around her toe to identify her: Swan, Isabella.

Her body would lay on a cold metal tray in a dark, small space. Completely alone, naked under a sheet.

I thought about the disgusting chemicals they had used to preserve the body. How disgusting, to preserve the corpse from natural decay only to imagine it devoured by maggots. I cringed, thinking about her perfect body mutilated in the ground.

I thought about how she would be dressed in something nice – something nicer than anything she would have picked out herself. The fabric would be roughly pulled into place over her unyielding limbs.

She would be placed on the white velvet of the box – the casket. Her tresses would fall across the firm cushion beneath her. But that is the only thing that would be recognizable about her, her hair. Everything else would be different.

Then, the lid would be closed over her. She would lie in permanent darkness. Slowly the casket would lowered into the ground. Beneath the grass and the flowers and the trees. Away from the sky and the sun and me.

Away from me.

Forever.

It was hours after I had confirmed that she was dead. I knew that she would be completely buried now, covered in heavy packed dirt, never to resurface.

I spent a lot of time in the plane's small bathroom. My charade was weak today, and I knew the humans were greatly disturbed my behavior, but I didn't care.

Didn't matter… didn't matter.

I went through a list of every way I had wronged Bella. I spent time carefully filing them in order of their severity.

At the top was my newest and last crime:

Killing Bella.

I knew it was me who stopped her heart. It was me who sewed her lips shut. It was me who put her in the box and buried her away from the sun.

Hope was dead.

I had spent each day of the last six months convincing myself that my sacrifice gave her hope. Hope for a future, for a life. But I had killed her. I killed Bella.

I killed Bella.

She jumped from a cliff.

What had she felt the moment before?

What all had converged upon her to make her take her life?

What had the corpse looked like when it was found?

Had her body been contorted, twisted?

Did blood run form her mouth?

Had she suffered at all?

And, her heart…

It didn't beat.

I wanted to break free of my skin. I wanted to feel nothing. This horrible morbid storm would stop for nothing other than death. My kind are changed in permanent ways. I had been reformed and reshaped when she came into my life. I had lost part of what I had been to make space for her. Now that she was gone… the empty space was like an empty chest cavity. The heart removed. The space for her unfilled. Unsatisfied.

Every perfect memory, my best memories, were tainted. I remembered each night I held her in my arms as she slept. But this only made me want to turn around and go back to Forks. It made me want to crawl into her coffin with her and hold her. I didn't want her to be alone. I didn't want her to lay down their with no one to hold her, with no one to protect her. I could keep the microscopic bugs and bacteria off of her. She would never be alone.

_She's gone, Edward. She's in heaven now. She's not alone._

Whatever it was inside of me that told me this… maybe it was God, maybe it was myself, I don't know… whatever it was, gave me some small ounce of... not hope, but perseverance, perhaps. The body wasn't her. It was so silly of me to think of it that way. Her soul was all that mattered, and that had been saved.

There was nothing left for me, now. Now I was the one alone in the coffin. With no one to hold and no one to hold me. With my eyes and mouth sewed up. No beating heart, no soul.

Just a dark, small place.

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There was a fraction of my brain, a sort of autopilot, that carried me along. It brought me to another car to steal. It lead me along roads at top speeds. It brought me to the city gates of Volterra.

And that's where this story ends, because I'm tired of living in a fantasy world that means nothing. I put so much time in to this stupid obsession and it's such a waste of time. We get to live for maybe 90 years, if that. Life is too short. Our bodies are not immortal, and this life I have here is a blessing. Why am I using it up on something as silly as this?

Do what you want, but I'm going to do something less trivial with my time. Don't take offense. I direct all of these words at myself. But maybe you've been feeling the same way. Maybe you're ready to go out there and start living your own life and not vicariously through fictional characters.

I hope I am.

These faint traces of reality. They hurt because you know there is nothing to hope for. You will never get more of them then what's left in your head.

Just a dark, small place.


End file.
